Maiden, Mother, Wise One w/ Alex Watt

and we are live hello hello hello hello y'all welcome I am Briar Harvey this is the neurodiversity media Network today I am with my fabulous co-host Alex watt we are here on the maiden mother wise one show we're talking about the life cycle of Womanhood what it looks like what it means how we've internalized that and we're hoping to break some long held in it beliefs that people might be holding on to without even knowing it so today we are talking about sex we are here with the incredible Kelly Ray I will give you time Kelly at the end to give us all your stuff she is an intuitive life and business coach and I'm really excited to hear your take on this topic today I'm looking forward to this one y'all all right Alex let her rip baby awesome thanks Briar for opening up for us and Kelly thank you so much for coming today um I'm really passionate about this topic as we all know so I'm so grateful that you are a person that represents so much and you don't have very many walls around it and you're here to help others too so thank you for that and although I'm under the weather I'm really glad that we're we're all here today because I didn't want to miss this one I'm super passionate about sex and sexuality and honoring our bodies and touching with beautiful intentions because we need to break down those barriers for people it needs to stop being so taboo especially for women so the first I have some questions and we can just bounce off each other but I'm really excited so I want to know kind of like what was your first introduction to like what actually sex was

yeah so my introduction to sex unfortunately um I you know I'm training my children different than how I was raised but I actually didn't hear about sex until I was in high school and you know we kind of touched on the sex ed now don't get me wrong in fifth grade they talked about they told little girls and little boys about periods you know separately and so when I went home with my mom told me about the periods yes but we really didn't talk about sex until high school but guess what by the time sex ed came around it was too late for me I had already experimented and figured it out so really in my household there wasn't any talk about sex and one of the things we might get into this later but I think as a result of not talking about sex from my mother it made me not value myself as much because I didn't know how sacred sex was and then here I was giving it away to just anybody who gave me attention and it really made me kind of a doormat in a way as I got older because I didn't have respect for myself in in that way so I wish I would have had that conversation with my mom an auntie a sister somebody it could have been a man I don't know yeah and for me it's like my experience with sex was like I was abused so the sexual information and the interaction and the conversation around it was so different it wasn't more like sex can be empowering and sacred and loving it was like don't do it that person hurt you don't give it away to somebody you'll never get it back and so the conversation is very awkward for me because it wasn't about like this is what sex can be this is what happened to you they're not the same thing right like it was always focused on like abuse was what happened to you it was not like this is abuse and this is sex so I'm grateful that they were open with me but I was so young that it wasn't what I needed because I went from being open to sexuality to being fearful of it because it hurt me so I didn't get to ex like I didn't want to explore and I didn't want to have those experiences and then when we'll go into that later it's like they were actually hurtful so and so what do you feel like you would you would would it how did you change it within your home like how was the conversation of sex with your own children so I do have one child and it's a boy so it's a little bit different slightly conversations with my boy than with my female um if I had a female child yeah I've let the father have some of those conversations just because I feel like sometimes you have to be a man to know what a man's thinking or feeling or what they've gone through because I obviously have never experienced a male erection that kind of thing but I can give my son the female perspective I mean I also think it would have been great to hear from my dad about hey what is it like to be a man what is it what is his needs are you know what's going through his head or how is he respecting a woman and so what I'm trying to give my son who is also a teenager and we've had these conversations years ago but I continue them is how do you really nurture a woman not only sexually but outside of sexually but um first of all what it is how spiritual it is how it's not just something from the body I try to take it deeper but we're we start out with those first gentle conversations of okay what's going on with your body protection um pregnancy so we've gone through the anatomy but then because I'm a spiritual person I've taken it to that spiritual level and how do you connect because I think by the time people have these conversations I mean look at me you know when you're in your 30s and 40s and you're figuring out the spiritual connection you don't miss out on a lot you know what I'm saying so I love that I'm teaching my child early about the wide range of how sex can be sacred beautiful connection and it can be it cannot be just from a place of pain or just because you're trying to figure it out or experimenting it could be something so much more beautiful and deeper than that yeah and for me like with our kids it's like I've always tried to protect them try to like Anatomy is exactly what it's called This is a vulva this is a penis this is and it was very clear about what their body parts were because it was like if I can give you as much protection of like and know your own Anatomy then you can Empower yourself so it started there right it was like and then unfortunately because of all the miscarriages and the issues that I've struggled with for fertility they've seen different side of it because I have a husband who works away I'm home most of the time with the boys by myself and it's like there was times where my boys would be like why are you bleeding so bad and it's like okay well babe this is what this is it's okay it's called a period or yeah right and that didn't always tell them obviously I'm not going to disclose that I had a miscarriage every time because that's like it's hard enough for my kids they know now my oldest does know now because he's opened up that discussion but then it was started there so then it was like well sex is between two people who love each other and honor each other's body and sometimes sex is not and when it's not it can feel icky afterwards and we can carry some shame from that so why how can we make it so important for the two of us or the two of you to connect and like you know respectfully and yes pregnancy and periods and all that disclosure but like but also to make them feel comfortable in their body that they have rights to that they don't have to say yes because the boy code is really big and as a woman raising boys I really want to empower them that they don't have to have sex to fit in they don't have to have sex to feel like a man yeah to be worthy to like yes in the locker room and break down those barriers of that conversation so what are your thoughts on that like around the boy code and how our boys actually struggle as our girls do too but as Mom raising boys you know there's a lot of pressure on boys to be sexually adventurous but then there's pressure on girls to you know be you know not give it up right so you know you're shamed if you're a woman for enjoying sex and wanting to have sex and wanting to be playful or experimental but then guys are like yeah go get them well who in the hell are they having sex with if all the girls aren't being shamed right um but the the good thing is my son has always um it's just his personality where he hasn't felt like he was peer pressured and he's always been able to talk to me about what his friends are doing and he's been able to discern for himself I think he's just an old soul um and luckily he I know he's here to go against the grain and do his own thing and I encourage that so I Champion him I'm like yes yeah don't do it just because what they're doing and and yeah let's think outside the box and let's be creative let's think bigger not just with sex but with everything and what I want to say is that whenever you can have your child Champion like that and think outside the box in other areas of their lives it's going to translate to sex too so when you show them you know not to follow the beat of everybody else's drum and in how they dress and how they act and how they give towards people then it goes over to the sex is what I find out so far and I agree with you right it's like I'm helping these women who are grown experience that now right honor their sacred sexuality and take back their power of what their womb is and what they want right it's like I'm never going to shame a woman for being opened and playful and adventurous it's like but as long as you understand you're taking care of yourself and you're making the for the right reasons like become empowered and live that life for yourself we don't have to do it for someone else right and it's like we live in a world where we should not be womb shaming anymore like let's be serious right um what was your first experience if you can remember it being like aroused as a woman um okay well I guess you know we'll talk I'm not sure level of arousement but I realized when I was a young teen I was watching these MTV videos and I started to notice men I'm like wait a minute that guy is hot and then I was like wait a minute I've never thought guys were hot before and then I started noticing there was a certain appearance of a male that kind of you know um got my attention remember Mario Lopez from Saved by the Bell My ultimate Crush like that was my man and and every and ever since then like I held every man up to Mario Lopez and I never found him but anyway um so I started to notice okay I must be uh growing up or something like something just naturally said that but I never had that conversation with my mom or my older sister and then you know I started to realize as I was an older teen that's when I started to realize I started having sexual urges and feelings and again nobody had talked about it with me but I didn't feel like it was shameful because it just felt natural and then so I I kind of just you know took it from there what about you yeah so for me it was like a variation of things I hung up with young boys I was the girl with the guys and then they started to treat me different and I was like this is weird like why are you treating me different and then we started yeah boobs right yeah of course I did I had a huge kids but at that point it's like I was naive I'm like why are they treating me different and uh they would watch wrestling and The Rock was on their back in the day and he was huge and muscly um and he was like my first like oh that's what I wanted about that was your Mario Lopez how do you show Briarwood it was 1988. and Cindy Crawford was in this red swimsuit on the cover of these Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition I think I remember that actually yeah and I just knew whatever it was was amazing right like I want that I want that and I didn't want to be that I wanted that and yeah that was growing up to bisexual in the 80s and 90s was a rough rough thing and so there was no one to talk to about the fact that I I mean if it had been the rock or if it had been Mario Lopez those were conversations I could have had with other people but it was neither of those things it was Cindy Crawford see and my other is Demi Moore and striptease oh man wow I was like I was like At first I was like I just want to be like her that I was like no I just want her and I was like I had like these very interesting it was like Debbie Moore this older woman like dark hair beautiful and it was like The Rock I was like this is a very interesting spectrum that I'm starting to explore this is this for me too on the other side I have Russell Crowe and not like clean shaven Russell Crowe like Russell Crowe in the muscles and the long beard and the blood right that's so that's yeah yeah and I remember like feeling tingly in my like pelvic area and I was like oh I'm tingly and then I was like this is weird am I peeing myself what is this like interesting because we didn't know right and we didn't talk about it nobody talked I didn't talk about this with our girlfriends we didn't talk about this or what about experiencing wetness oh God nobody told me I really wish somebody would have told me me too because then I was like fearful of like do I have a yeast infection is something really wrong and then I started like going through that and I'm like is there something wrong with me is this normal am I peeing yeah I actually saw this really funny Tick Tock or it was on Instagram the other day and this marriage coach was saying women if you're a [ __ ] ain't getting wet do not [ __ ] that man he ain't worth it and I was like you know what yeah that's a damn good indicator like why am I messing around with anybody who don't get me really [ __ ] aroused right hello yeah I know I feel bad we have so many kids and then Jesse like lifts his shirt and I'm like oh yeah I was like wait we don't have time right now but yeah and so that was like that's how it built for me it was like I wasn't aware what was going on I didn't understand and then it's like trying to masturbate without knowing what's going on or what if it's shameful or if it's accepted or good and then if you throw in religion on top of that girlfriend let's not even go there yeah and that's my first time yeah we are gonna go there so it was like is does this feel good what is this is this like I don't know what's going on and then you always hear like friends who are like well in the shower it's better and then so you're like okay I had a friend say that I was like all right let me yeah let me see what's with the shower but yeah it's totally unknown I'm going to tell you something so funny it's kind of embarrassing but until I had my first long-term relationship with an experienced man I did not know where my pee came out of yeah like I I was like confused does it come out of my [ __ ] area or like and you know you can't like bend your head down and see really and so I we were talking about this and he actually had to like point it out to me but I was like 20 something yeah and like we talked we touch base on the last podcast talking about that like some people don't know like men and women don't actually know there's a distinct difference and for me it was like the first time I squirted I was like oh my God and I like freaked out instead of just like enjoying that like heightened arousal and like and my partner was like no it's he was like he was like yes it's crazy how sometimes those guys teach us about ourselves it shouldn't be that should not be the case no and then like the reminder that that is actually sexy and that is okay like he he is so good because in those moments he was like you're safe it's okay it's not pee you that's just what your body does and I was like but does it panicking like that and so do you remember like how you felt the first time you had sex yes um unfortunately again um I just did it to figure out what it was about and it was with some Rando what and I again it's like damn if I could take back anything that's happened in my past it would be that like you know for your mom to at least say okay if you're gonna have sex would you at least give it some consideration make sure it's like somebody you really like and you know you have feelings for you've been I don't know just something more more thought give it some thought and instead I was over at a friend's house and some guys came over and I was like sure what the hell and you know I but I just wanted to know what does it feel like what actually happens I just again it was before I even had that sex ed class in high school and so it was like hey I'm just curious I want to know and then I did it and then of course I wasn't expecting the blood and so I was like oh my God what the [ __ ] and I just pretended like oh it's my period he didn't even know it was my first time I was like oh I got my period or something and then he's just kind of like you know it was awkward it was weird and then I just felt like a weirdo and then I'm like I shouldn't have done that and then of course I could feel like I couldn't talk to anybody so gosh if I could save one girl one woman an experience like that I think that would make a huge impact on somebody's life yeah and it's something that I talk with like the young girls when I worked in the social work in town we talked about these kind of things and like what to expect or what not to expect and like we talk about all kinds of things like how to protect yourself how you can track on mucus and your period Cycles right and it's like I was trying to empower them so they knew as much as they could they wanted to know and because for me it's like my first time was someone I was committed to and it was awkward as hell and not good and then we we had sex and it lasted like three minutes and then he's embarrassed and I'm like it's okay because like I don't know any better things right I don't think we're gonna have sex for 30 minutes because I don't even know what we're doing right and then what happened played after that is actually my grandparent my grandmother shamed me in front of his whole family my God I had not told anybody and she told everybody at the dinner that we had heads up oh my gosh I'm so I'm so sorry to hear that like yeah how did that make you think about sex from then on out like oh I didn't want it no I didn't want it no not if that was the consequence no no especially like you're abused child then you're like learning to love your body been through every therapy you can imagine about to try and heal it right find a good partner been with him for like almost a year at that point then that happens then the words that continued after were she made a comment about me not being a virgin because I was abused so that he had not been with a virgin oh my gosh and then religion played into that from his side of the family which is okay like at the time it was heated and upsetting and everything but like now it's healed and we're good right but there was like that religious aspect you guys should have waited till marriage and it was like their souls right it's like why not like why why'd he just March me down the road and tell everybody I had sex please so my first experience was very and then I didn't want to I didn't want I physically sat in my bedroom one night and cried for eight hours and asked him to break up with me oh my gosh I asked him to leave because you didn't feel good enough nope and because I didn't want to like carry that shame forward in our relationship I didn't want him to hate me because I hadn't disclosed I was abused because like I didn't know how do you talk about that oh hey by the way somebody I trusted hurt me when I was a child and now right and I wasn't sure where he was at because he's heard all this crazy stuff from my drunk grandma and all the religious views and then I felt bad because I thought I pushed him to do it do you know like there's all that like you go through your head you're like oh just in your head too much you're overthinking it yeah well he never left and they get married so oh that's beautiful there is a beautiful part of it but it was very it was very painful and it was something that I had to be okay with because I obviously I still see his family to this day yes right and I sit in these conversations these awkwardness where like his father asked me what are your intentions with my son it's like we've been together 17 years we're still here like yeah I think we're gonna make it pops yeah but then like so going from that to being like explorative and sexual because we and he and I connected and I was like if we're gonna do this we're actually gonna do this because like I don't just like man I like women too and there's certain things that I'm comfortable with and I want to start to explore so sex is not going to be this three minute done and I'm not carrying shame for it I'm not doing that and like I don't [ __ ] shame anybody I don't shame anybody on anything and it's like I was the one who carried all the shame yeah yeah I can see how you'd be done with that in every area of your life I think I'm done with it too I'm tired of curing the guilt for everybody yep me so you just dropped that in 2023. let's go yeah it's like that was my thing it was like it was like all this shame around sex and then it was like sex was good I have a great partner he's actually not religious anymore and we have explored so much together and then it was like but then I couldn't have babies so it was like this thing from my childhood has always just been like a monster in the room for me and we hear so many people talking about healing sexuality and Trauma and and it's like yes but when you have physical damage from it which causes other things it's hard to just let it go because you're constantly like well I can't have kids because I have scar tissue and I can't stay pregnant oh my God [Music] oh my God but obviously that didn't that didn't stay true yeah but like I had dnc's and I had um my lining in my uterus or ablation they call it where they like shock it and then I had hysteroscopy where my tubes got flushed and like you name it and then I had a nurse come in and be like oh you had an abortion and it's like no I had a miscarriage thanks for being so cold-hearted right but that's put me on this path to like talk about sex talk about birth talk about everything and I think it's interesting because it's like once you started to honor yourself and your sacredness and your sex how was your sex after that

for me that's for you Kelly yeah oh okay um I think that after you've been okay so you know how the saying when you know see what you don't want then you know what you do want it's that contrast it's all about that contrast in life and I'm I'm learning to accept more of that okay this is what I don't want okay I'm not liking this feeling well then it just gets me more clear on what it is I do want and I'll say what I do want now is that deep intimacy that connection on that soul level the more of that kind of like we've talked about the Divine Union type of coupling where it's not just about okay let's just have sex for the physical from this lust from this passion but let's really align like I feel like sacred sex is a opportunity for people to be the most vulnerable than they could ever be um it's a place where you can heal yourself or possibly you know exchange healing you're receiving you're giving but um you know I'm not going to say that can happen for everybody but you have to be willing to open that space and create that and that's what I'm moving to now I'm not going to say I'm the most experienced and know it all I'm still learning but I'm curious and I'm open and I'm wanting that and I know it's there and I feel like I'm just learning more about it the more I show interest the more I'm open to it the more I talk about it whereas before like I said I grew up not talking about it at all so I had never learned how to voice my needs my wants in the bedroom or in a relationship and now I'm figuring it out as I've gotten more spiritual and been more empowered um no I'm gonna need this you know like you said it's going to be longer than three minutes and you know what maybe their relationship doesn't necessarily take my relationship or the traditional relationship or the relationship depicted in the Bible you know what I'm saying so or voicing yeah and I think the big thing is like when I started voicing more I was like I'm not just being a [ __ ]

standards here are that if a woman voices anything around her own sexual pleasure that it is very taboo I think I've been married for 10 years before I had said to my husband you know sex isn't over when you come come yeah I know because and and the look on his face I mean it was a real deer in headlights what do you mean because and my husband is not an inattentive guy right he was putting in the work but that acknowledgment that when the penis in vagina ends doesn't necessarily mean sex is over was just a like mind-blowing moment for him it was it was really and kind of changed my world view too because to have to say that for him to recognize that that was the case was really it was just so unknown for both of us yeah and for my husband it's like he's not in an inattentive lover he's like the person that like he just wants to make you happy and I'm so grateful for that but there's times where it's like the world's gonna reverse here like I wanna like I wanna love on you and I want to feel you and what do you want to try different things and he's always been open he's never shut me down which I'm grateful for but there's moments where it's like if I'm orgasming and I need some kind something in that moment we're to the point where I don't have to explain it anymore because sometimes because of scar tissue and certain things down there it's like I actually need him to pull out and pause for a second oh okay because I don't want my body to reject him and I don't want to tear or like put any kind of pressure on those areas while they're Contracting and it's like I do internal massage I talk about this with my other women too and it's like but because of the things that I've gone through in life we need to just he needs to just honor that like I'm having one and he like hold on to me and everything and then when the coming down it's like no we can do it again now we can but I need to like relax or I immediately reject him my whole body just like seizes up and pushes him out and it's not always like that but there are moments where it's like those heightened ones I do need a pause being able to say that though right I mean like I really have enjoyed being with you but I need you to pause and please don't be like please don't well that might benefit him too you know what I mean you just extend the whole thing a little bit longer doing that pause so absolutely and then I was thinking like on top of that it's like marrying a religious who was religious man who has these morals and ethics who you want to spank you foreign that conversation of like you're not actually hitting me you're just like hitting weird yeah you're not hurting me sweetie right and then for him he was like I don't want to do that like it was like immediately he's like I don't want to put hands on you and it's like I appreciate you and I love you and I know how much you respect me but you're not hurting me so having those conversations I just want to hang from the hook on the wall That's All Right a little exactly but then it got like playful where I'd smack him on the butt or something and he'd be like is that all you got ah because he's getting warmed up to the idea of doing that yeah hmm yeah gosh all that programming there's so much layers to release and and like you said uh Briar where your husband didn't know that's you know sex didn't stop there men don't get those talks either no not at all voices they have porn and increasingly they have horrific porn right porn today is so much more extreme and violent than it was in the 80s and 90s for sure and so my husband learned on Debbie Does Dallas right like that's that's not what boys and men are getting today and there's a real need now to continue to have those conversations because if that's what they think sex is that's a real problem yeah and the I think the big thing is is like also kink like letting people know that like model Kink is like that what is being portrayed and it's like there's still consent and there's still boundaries and there's still respect for people you don't go past that it's like they talk about to their safe words and you know but it's like talking about all those with our partners even if we're not willing to go that far in our relationship because it may evolve it may be like being open to like what turns you on what excites you and so I mean I want that for my son too you know like everything that you're talking about I want my son to have a healthy sexual relationship where he doesn't feel ashamed and he can explore and you know I just I don't know I wish that there was just something more available like I know I've talked to you Alex I'm like you should create a total course for teens and you know teach them all the things and and I almost like there should be a introductory to sacred marriage course and it covers all the sexual things and all this stuff that one your mom didn't even know to tell you or to teach you you know they're being passed down what they passed down what they pass down and what the porn industry is teaching you so there's just a lot of misconceptions out there and unfortunately you have to figure it out as you go and sometimes that can cause pain trauma suffering relationships to dissolve and there's got to be an easier way maybe this podcast is a start I'm hoping it is because I'm evolving off that like we've talked about right and it's like talking about how our womb is a Sacred Space and sacred Connection in our marriage is not actually talking about religion in our marriage it's talking about like honoring each other like honoring and caring and respecting and being vulnerable because and acknowledging that we all make mistakes we all stumble We All Fall Down are we willing to work past that or are we willing to just let it crumble us right it's like at some point sometimes relationships have their time limit and it comes to an end and they've taught us beautiful lessons and important and we just feel that we're evolving and that's okay being able to have those conversations and talking with other people I know 70 year old women who have never had an orgasm huh oh my gosh and we talk about it and she's like girl if I want to do it back then and she's so funny missing out right and she she talks about because she didn't start having orgasms until she moved into a senior's house and she met a new man they're getting freaky up in there to swingers club the swingers club at the seniors Club but like that's funny so watch her be happy and full of Freedom yeah it's like it's never too late it's never too late so it's like how can we evolve our own sexual adventures and Explorations and not shame people and be open to these conversations and talk about anal and talk about these things and be like bodily fluids coming out when you have sex is kind of just normal instead of shaming each other why don't we pause and just quickly clean up and not like make it a thing why why is it a thing yeah right because how often have you had your period come after sex because I know I have um

and then it happened or you know maybe you were starting to spot and you didn't realize it while you were doing it and then you know and hey don't there's nothing to freak out about [Music] I'm like not shaving our youth on like you will be interested in men and women chances are most of you will and you'll be interested in like why so don't shame yourself on the why just look into it is it because you are attracted to the way that person is is something you see in yourself is it because you're just bi and that's okay is it because but like talking about that and talking about sex isn't just like orgasms and anal and vaginal and blow jobs and like it's like there's so much more we have so many erogenous zones on our bodies how can we do that how can we touch those layers I think a briar had brought up a good point earlier when she had said she realized that she was attracted to Cindy Crawford on the cover she's like I want that and I think oh I mean I can't speak for men but a lot of women as a woman I can see beauty and I can respect you I'd say that's a beautiful woman that's a fine woman okay that woman got a nice butt and but when do you realize that it's more than just appreciating how beautiful a woman is and it's more of that desire nobody talks about that so you could totally be bi or gay or something and not even know because I don't know you're trying to fit in yeah you're trying to fit in and nobody's asked about it well and even shame from our friends in high school I remember tons of girls being like you're you're a wrestler you're a lesbian and it was like oh my gosh I don't care what you think of me right like it's like okay I think that's so cool you're a wrestler it was an experience it was an experience I wrestled on the team with 36 boys there was me and another girl that's it so it was interesting that's awesome yeah but like it doesn't matter if you're a lesbian why are we yeah who the [ __ ] are you what do you hear about somebody else do in my bed yeah right and so then that grows with us as adults because then it was like well I am bi I know I am bi but it's like and I'm married and I'm an assist relationship but like not all of me is CIS and then like being okay with saying that because people are like well you're married it's like yeah and if something ever happened probably never married to another man let's be serious I've said that before I've said that I'm like I'm not doing this again yeah exactly it's like yeah I found the right one this time like and he was mad but probably never happened again really right it's like having those conversations being open about it and being okay with it it doesn't matter right it's like yeah how can we keep building on like how can we explore sex how can we feel comfortable in our bodies how can we touch ourselves and it's like talking about it just like we're doing today you just gotta start somewhere because none of us are going to feel comfortable completely unless we start talking and then it's like oh you feel the same thing oh my gosh you get the same sensation oh it's totally normal what like it's got to start right and even yeah and talking about how our vulvas are shaped different and like yeah okay there might be nine okay shapes yeah you put that post on Facebook about the different ones I studied those pictures and I was like I have no idea because I've only seen you know what's on TV and I thought everybody was that way and then I was not and so I was like damn all these years I was judging myself and I didn't need to well and everybody's like well a fupa or whatever and it's like yeah that's just because we've grown into women that's not actually just because we're fat just putting that out there that is like an actual like shape category yeah putting that out there right yeah and for me it was like I have pigmentation like loss in certain areas of my body and I do on my vulva so I used to like joke I'd be like it looks like a Dalmatian when I go to a doctor and they'd be like what they're like oh yeah okay yeah like it's always been like that though you're unique that you have to warn a doctor like that really says it all to me right here how terrible this is that you have to issue hyperpigmentation warnings to a medical doctor because otherwise you don't know what you're going to be getting when your reaction and that is if you can't predict the reaction you're going to get from a medical provider how the hell can you predict a reaction from anyone else in society well and even being open to share that like we all look different we all like look different we smell different we have different shapes and it's like knowing that like our labias the outer lips is like an erotic thing for men so they started taking it out of porn because it was too erotic this is a true story and it's like but then like 80 of our women have larger labias and now we're not talking about it right like we're yeah and even like the fallacy because I no longer have a cervix right I had a hysterectomy I don't have a cervix and so then this conversation of like cervical orgasm and then people being like well you can't have one yeah I can it just doesn't look the same as yours right but that conversation of like allowing people to know they still exist they still have them within our bodies it just looks different right so the pressure at the end for me hurts because I don't it's all sewn up and healed and stuff but it hurts right so it's like but actually just back like an inch and a half is the gold spot now because it's all heightened and so like knowing that like that's a good spot for me right did you find that your body changed for sex after you had your son um well yeah I mean I noticed that after my son you know things changed even like you said the labia I think had gotten bigger and I was like oh my God I'm not desirable anymore because again in the porn industry you don't ever see that and so I'm like oh this is horrible I'm old or I'm saggier yeah I don't know I just thought something um and I of course you know with motherhood and being busy um the the you know the the frequency that you have sex or it just changes a little bit and so then you start to second-guess yourself um and then just like the anatomy changed a little bit so then I was just like oh no am I done four but really you're not it's I think that's just some of the society what they tell you and we're constantly being programmed like oh no you know you're worn out after you've had several kids or something um but that's not really the case necessarily so we've gotta stop listening to other people's fears and as long as you and your partner are okay with how things are working then it's okay you don't stop questioning yourself stop doubting yourself right I was in a birth where the doctor was like do you want me do the father Stitch and I looked at him and I was like that was very ignorant of you I had one I didn't know that I had one I had one it made sex painful pretty much until the birth of the next child yeah I had a friend who they stitched her extra and she they could barely have sex and she actually had to have surgery to have it fixed because that was so bad because a doctor thought it was a good idea keep her tight and like let's talk about that it's like if a woman is pushing you out it is not because she is tight to be very clear if a woman's body is pushing you out of her like there's something else going on because her body is nope she doesn't she's rejecting you that's not because it's like oh that's so tight and hot it's like she's not enjoying it chances are right and it's like and then there's circumstances where it's like I know that I get really tight and like I'm sore and like different things it's like so ah you know he removes because it it's better for both of us that's very different but like you always see those movies like oh she's so tight it's like she is not enjoying that at all yeah yeah and I mean everything that you see on TV let's get real I mean you know as much as they're doing it for those shows I don't know I don't know if I believe the looks of gratification on their faces um and there's more to it than just the opening too you know what I mean there's also the inside so by that doctor just saying let's tighten her up with that Stitch that doesn't necessarily mean there's you know there's more to it than what's going on so um that really pisses me off here super wealthy in those kind of birds but I also like the big thing I want to talk about is like how often do you see a condom opened in a movie yeah no when you say that it's like never it's like I really have to talk about stuff but um sometimes you'll see them on which I applaud and approve I guess of the porn in which that happens but it's always already on there is never any of the actual fumbling around of applying a condom which is let's be honest here always a little bit hysterical in just the action of condoms going on aren't neat it doesn't happen easily or prettily there's nothing

there you go that is the exact correct word choice and so we just skip it as though it doesn't exist yeah but it's like a main impact factor we should be teaching people girls and boys should know how to put on a condom period yeah right like our we should be teaching them and um bringing humor into our sex life because there's times where it's like you pull off your shirt and you elbowed your partner in the face and it's just like messy and funny and like being able to like go with the punches and not just like get mad and let everything happen it's like wow and we all have kids kids who are needy and like want our type question on you yeah who try to like I just try to like make time for it right yeah and I'm not just like a bedroom person so it's like I really try to make time for it because it's important for our connection because I'm the one that feels worse than probably he does if we're not because I've now healed this abuse in my body and stuff and it's like if I'm not honoring it and loving on it and touching it it's like I feel disconnected from myself because I've worked 30 something years on healing it yeah it's important to you mm-hmm and so what kind of sex do you have any funny stories or anything that you ought to share um I mean funny nothing really except like literally you know my son just storms around the house when he wants to and literally I've fallen off the bed trying to jump up you know too fast or you know walk in and like he'll see my husband you know down on me or something and we act like we're just like found it out here we're just you know hanging out doing that kind of thing um yeah that that's the extent of that is having kids and and so I applaud your uh tenacity in making sure that you and your husband have that connection time and especially in different places other than the bedroom because that can make it a little bit more you know magical spice it up a little bit Yeah well I'm like as teenagers we did it on back roads in a car that was like our we go to a lake and we were just like yeah it was awesome and you go skinny dipping and it was just like a a healed relationship was based on like being adventurous and being so it's like I need to continue to be that way for myself not because he asked me yeah I love that because it was like so many times we were doing it in a car and another car would pull into like a parking lot and we'd be like ah

we'd be at the lake and I'd be like I don't have a top on it I don't know where my top is and people show up and like it's still like fun right yeah and I think when we're healthy with our own bodies and love ourselves our children see that too it's like they're not being exposed to anything right it's like but they're seeing us be playful with each other and like we talk [ __ ] to each other that's my son my oldest son says that's his favorite thing because we always like oh like joke back and forth and say whatever but I we teach them healthy hmm yeah so we'll see interaction yeah and I think like being open to sex right being open to it being open to like you're gonna fumble you're gonna enjoy certain things um really learning how to like ask for what you want how to be fingered properly that's very key it's not just yeah like Slow Down Speed up more pressure less it's almost like you know you're one of the massage therapist if I can tell my massage therapist I need more pressure then surely I should be able to tell my partner right right and it's like yeah absolutely I agree with you and it's like for me it's like I do need pressure I do need someone to hold me sometimes I need like while I'm getting there it's like I do like that knowing that like there's pressure spots around the opening of our vagina right not enough by the like I think people like just the tip and it's like sometimes that is very hot sometimes that is all I actually need because things changed for me after my hysterectomy so sometimes it's like you know I don't need to be like deep pounded I just need to be like the opening I've noticed that on different times of my cycle my I guess my cervix drops down further yeah and so I'm like don't be trying to go Mr you know deep man on me like that's not that's not fun so I think it's super important to teach women girls whoever about get in tune with your body like it's okay to explore it's okay to tune in it's okay to sit there and feel it and also ask your partner to be present to help you feel it that way y'all can both make it pleasurable for both of you later on but if y'all don't take the time to get to know your own anatomy and what you like you're never going to reach that magical thing that you're looking for right no and like Partners who have been together a long time when is the last time you saw your partner masturbate like right it's like how do you know how they like it do you know their techniques I know they just trying to get it done most men and yeah right but it's like yeah but when's the time last time you were like present for that so not really like I know in the past I've asked like show me how you like it and you know he'll show me with his hands and then I'll mimic it and I'll do it so when I'm doing oral I'll use my hands or whatever um but no I've never just really sat there and just like got the popcorn out and said yeah without a show Big Boy you know and I think there's something there right my relationship started When We Were Young Alex you were pretty young and so there's I feel like there are things that probably would have evolved if we had both been older when we found each other right that might have been but you have to grow together when you start young yeah and I like mentioned it the other day I was like maybe we should play with ourselves like together like separately to see like if there's something new you would like or something new I like my prayers I think that that just sounds like a great idea of warming yourself up and it's fun it's fun because then you could just be that playful be like you can't touch me yet and like play off that like build the momentum or the suspense yeah like that and then honoring like you know because the average amount of time limit on sex is like from three minutes to ten minutes that's the average like for everybody so it's like so how can we incorporate fun and touch and play in connection and like without just the penetration because like as Briar said sex isn't done just because you go or I go or right it's like there's so much more to it but we're still hyper focused on sex is penetration penetration yeah yeah and like from my perspective this is my point of view it's like if you identify as queer and you've had some kind of sex you've had queer sex because you identify as queer so why are we shaming people if they like a little bit of penetration that doesn't matter it's about art it shouldn't be like that you can have this or you can have this yeah or multifaceted beans like we're multi-layered I feel like Society just tries to put everybody in a box and label them so they can control so they can feel comfortable and when you don't necessarily fit in their box so now all of a sudden you feel shitty about yourself you know like we gotta break out of that yeah and like shaving people it's like if you're inviting people into your relationship or you're going to swingers clubs or you're doing fetish or you have a Daddy it's nobody's business as long as your partner and you are respecting each other's boundaries it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks because we're that's people putting their perspectives projecting upon you and most of the time people are just jealous they're not they can't go there in all types of sex right I have friends who it's like they just do like like penetration that's it and they say make comments when they ask me because we all know I'm not quiet yeah I think like they're I've had my friends be like I'm actually jealous of you because he won't go there and it's like okay well how can you open it up in a way that they would be interested in it because it's not about gay straight whatever it's about honoring our bodies and our savior connection and having um when we have those orgasms our desires our desires those orgasms were our toes tingle our whole body feels like it's being lifted off the ground that's what we're gearing for that's that's the end when we're being sacred with ourselves whether it's with a partner or by ourselves right yeah yeah I like that so Alex how you helping them get that so that's very good uh I have one-on-one sessions right now and it's all about sexual health and sexual Freedom it's Liberation about touching with good intentions and I offer a variety of things some are just touching with intentions where we heal after sexual trauma the other option is kink it's like getting very clear on like how we get excited people think Kink is just whips and bondage and stuff it's not it's so much more than that it's often just like the way our body wants to be touched pressure cold that's considered cake so opening up the conversation that is bigger than that I also have my program which is full but it will be rolling back around it's becoming your own medicine and is talking about honoring your body becoming what you need from yourself

well that is amazing Kelly where can people find you you know right now I'm I'm mostly on Facebook I do have an Instagram account but I don't post on that so much so if you're interested really just look up Kelly raheeling or Kelly Ray on Facebook and um I have lots of links for my services where you can book appointments for either readings or blueprints or coaching I have I'm also a channeling coach so I help people who are interested in expanding their gifts but um yeah just come hang out and have some fun and enjoy my quotes and put some funny gifts on there I love that and that's that'll be fun please ladies this has been amazing Alex give us the one thing you think people should know about sexual health um that it's not standard there's not a one thing I think we walk into sexual health education and we look at what our teenagers go through and we think it's just one thing it's not it's scared when you work with me we gear it specifically towards your needs your desires and we figure out if they're actually desires or they're just the thought of because you've been lacking for so long that it becomes a need so yeah I think that's a big Focus

y'all this has been amazing I'm very glad we could do this today we will be back with Alex in two weeks and we will be talking about

childbirth yeah first you have sex then you get pregnant then there's this baby thing at the end of it

and like the rest of this conversation it is absolutely loaded and weighted with shame and guilt and that is what we are trying to overcome here y'all if you have questions please leave them in the comments if you would like to reach out to Alex directly her info is in the show notes thank you so much for being here and we will see you back here next time for Maiden mother-wise one have an amazing day y'all bye now