0:00:00
Up here in the corner. I do. I was like, what is that on my shelf? Oh, it's me. I am on your shelf. He sits there. I was like and and I kinda was like m. So I was like, oh, that's a neat neck neck. Where did that? Wait, that's a logo. I am on your shelf, but it really I mean, it's very much on your shelf. Yes. I think that's great. I oops. I think I've put the desk up just a just a tip. Oh, no. No. No. No. There there we go. There we go. I love hi everybody. We're live. And I'm talking about my logo as Maria's Snack.
0:00:44
And this is what you get when you subscribe to the neurodiversity media network. You get these kinds of shenanigans in media form because this is what we're doing here. Having a good time learning things and also having shenanigans. Just day. Oh, they were today, it's a serious topic. What? I know.
0:01:07
Today, we were talking about actually asking for help. Actually, actually, asking. I actually asked for how I've really actually been looking forward to this because I think structurally this is where people get stuck. Right? They get stuck on knowing the words to say, please help me. Oh, you might know the words please help me. But you either don't know what help you actually need or you don't know how to ask for it or you don't know who to ask for it. Or you kinda, like, limit yourself. You you kinda say, oh, I'm allowed this much help or I'm allowed this kind of help. And maybe if I get this kind of help, it'll somehow transform into the actual kind of help I need. Oh, by osmosis? My inspiration. Yeah. That's not working. Is it? You know, like, if I'm just gonna eat these french fries, it's probably gonna give me incredible digestion. No. It's not. It's really, really not.
0:02:11
And so it's like, those kind of things are like, actually asking for help, I think is such a great question that we need to all ask ourselves. And you and I are not immune to this because we like, when you think about when you have any kind of, like, comorbidities, disabilities, neuro divergence, you are conditioned to ask what you're allowed to ask for. So when this comes, like, you you've been talking all week about I I saw you we're doing the IEP. Yeah. IEP. So it's like, what are you allowed to ask for in support? Correct. In in the confines or the boundaries of the place where you're trying to be inclusively accepted into? That's not inclusivity? No. No.
0:03:01
And recently a friend helped me reframe it. You know, these aren't accommodations. They're not optional. They're basic needs. And the more that we shape fees in our mind as needs, the easier it is to say, oh, well, it's not optional for me to ask for help than this is a need that is not being met. And but, man, it comes up so often in the catalyst and I've been listening lately.
0:03:35
How people come in and ask for help? Yeah. It is There's no. They haven't. They haven't. They they talk about things related to the thing that they wanna ask for help about. They demure about how this thing is done or has to be done and they don't have time to do it. Yeah. But still don't say, Marissa. Yeah. Help me do this way. For anyone in the room. That has waste and time to help me do this. Yeah.
0:04:16
I had some this week that was, like, I I don't know how to like, I just can't sit down and make the content. You can without all this content really quickly, and it's like, yes, that's exactly what I wanna say. But when I go to do it, I can't do it. And I'm like, so come into the work room. And I'll do it with you. And they were like, yeah, but I don't know how to ask for that help. I'm like, oh, sure. Yeah. Here, I'll I'll give you the exact script. Hey, Marissa. I'd like to write my content for the week or the month or the quarter. Can you help me do that? And I'll say, yeah.
0:04:44
Let's open up Canvas. Go. Like, let's start. You wanna blog. Let's write a blog post. You want, you know, your email funnel. Let's write that email funnel. And maybe, like, start laughing. I'm, like, No. Actually, I'm serious. That's exactly how you ask for help.
0:04:59
And people are like, but I don't wanna interrupt or I don't wanna ask for too much. And, like, first of all, there is no limit. Like, there's not too much. What if I said to everybody watching this? There is no such thing as being needy. Wow. That hits.
0:05:23
And, like, that doesn't preclude when you are at capacity. Right? And I've seen this too. Maurice, can you help me with this thing? I do not have capacity for that right now. Yeah. But but I can tomorrow. But I can tomorrow or at this time. Right. Right now, I'm working with so and so. Do you wanna just can you come back in twenty minutes? Or do you wanna sit in here and just listen? And people are like, oh, yeah. No one has to be like, ugh, I didn't get my needs met. I've gotta shut the door and never come back because that's not how it works either. Right? If there's no water at the store, they might have it tomorrow. No.
0:06:07
I have to say it was really funny. Our local grocery, they had a sign on the front that said, like, due to distribution issues, I live in, like, Northern Canada, You know, we will not be carrying the following items. And I was like, beef, pork, broccoli. And I was like, oh, these seem like really basic. Oh, like and I was like, never. And they're like, mhmm. So that's still communication. Right? Maybe I can't actually ever help you.
0:06:35
We have had that in the catalyst too. We had a person who could not come into the work room. It just wasn't available for them. They were trying to get support in other ways. And I had to say, I can't help you. Other people in the community had to say, I can't help you. Can you just come into the work room? And we could probably figure this out in five to ten minutes, but we need that, you know, that synchronous kind of no. They couldn't. And it's it's it's okay. It's not anybody's full. It doesn't make you a bad person. It doesn't make me a bad person. It's just at that point, I'm not the best person to give you the support you need, does that stop you from getting that help somewhere else? No. No.
0:07:17
However, we have so many of us, rejection sensitivity, dysphoria -- Yeah. -- which I really feel like plays into this conversation -- Yes. -- because when I asked for help and you say no, and then I get up in my head and feel a type of way of that, about that. And then don't go ask anyone else for help or ask you at a later time. Right? So how do we make asking for help not mean anything about us? Well, I think, practicing. Like, coming like, making it be, like, actually, you know, maybe this is a mindfulness practice. We all need to start kinda taking on. It's, like, what's one area of your life? Doesn't have to be business? Doesn't it could be relationships. It could be going to the post office. What What is one way that you can ask for help every day? And that might not be from another person. It could be from a tool. You know, I I think there's, like, so many features in the tools that we use every day in our lives that we don't realize are there to help make it even better from, like, our toaster to, you know, the instant pot or whatever out. Like, we don't look at the full manual. We don't let ourselves try out all the features.
0:08:43
I was watching John Oliver yesterday on AI. And one of the points he made was that we are already all using AI. All of the time, we have talked about this before. Yeah. All of the time, we are using AI. But because it is limited to a very specific thing, we've kind of internalized it as this is okay, this is fine, And what it means here is that we don't actually explore things to the limits of their capabilities. Absolutely. Absolutely. We go, oh, this is what this does and stop there. Rather than ask hey, does this piece of software do anything else cool that I should know about? Hey, does this tool I use also serve in a multifunctional way and do these other things. And it's about asking these questions. Yeah.
0:09:42
I mean, even in, like, my photoshop the other day, it it little thing popped up and said, we noticed you do this thing all the time. Do you want us to make it a shortcut? I was like, Yes. I'm like, okay. Here's your new key for it. I'm like, oh, okay. Thanks for stalking me, Adobe. Keep up the good work. Like I hate it. Please do it again next time. I was like, that's super cool.
0:10:05
I was like, how do I make it, like, stock me even more. And and then, like, I was talk talking on the chat and the chat the person there was, like, oh, let me help you in like, get more out of using this. And it's where there been it because then I get addicted to it even more and I never want to not be a member. And it's like those kind of things are like we talk with these on onboarding. I'm just writing in the process thirty emails that are gonna go out to catalyst members, new and old -- Right. -- of how to get more out of the catalyst. And it's like, I'm trying to help you learn how to ask for help.
0:10:43
Because people don't always I don't know what I I come in the work room. I don't know how to use it to my full advantage. I'm like, speak up, listen to other people, play, imagine. Try pants, ideas. I say ideas are like pants. So try those idea pants on. You know, it's have conversations with people, let yourself relax, go listen to the cap per room, and just have, you know, that lovely relaxing per Okay. But for real, the cap per room is possibly one of the best ideas I am a list. Yes. So proud of the cat room. I know. We now I just I now have a sound bathroom. We're gonna have a pod a password. Like, we're gonna have all these, like, these wellness nourishing because it isn't just so much like, asking for help isn't just also verbalizing and saying, Brian, can you help do this. Asking for help is going in and listening to some relaxing music. Asking for help is is is basically what it is is tuning into what you really need.
0:11:46
I I sometimes tell the story people people who have worked with me for a long time as a coach remember this exercise I do. It's about it's a core values exercise. And at the beginning of the exercise, I ask you to identify three core values that you think you hold. Because sometimes by the end of the exercise, we see that that core value isn't actually your core value. You actually value something else. And it's a really great exercise.
0:12:09
And I had a client who when she started out, she said that her core value is integrity. And as we went through the exercise, it became really clear that it wasn't integrity. It was actually support. But because she was out of alignment and she didn't know how to ask for support, She would ask for things from people. They would do what she said, but not actually what she really fully needed. And so then she would say, oh, this person has no integrity. They're not actually helping me. Well, no, they're not a mind reader and they aren't a body reader necessarily.
0:12:42
So you need to get really good at asking for the thing that actually moves you forward. So you hire someone to do Facebook ads, and then you wonder why your Facebook ads don't work. You know, what you really needed to do was hire somebody to figure out your brand voice, your key messages, and your landing page content. You needed that before you went to the Facebook. So then you go, I went to this Facebook person and I spent all this money and I didn't actually get any help, my business didn't move ahead. Because you didn't ask for what you really needed. You know? And I feel like foundationally, that is where so many of us get stuck is knowing what we need to ask help for.
0:13:23
And it is because when you're marginalized, you internalize a belief that you need to figure out how to do this thing yourself. Absolutely. That we have to go make our accessibility ourselves. Right. It's it's it's somehow your responsibility to figure it out, to do this, and and I get it. On on on a systemic level, I understand how that gets planted in our brain. Yeah. But overcoming that particular piece of programming is truly y'all, life altering. When you recognize that, oh, no. Actually, I don't have to figure it all out myself. I can go and ask specifically the pieces of support that I need. Yeah. And this is the way in which I am stuck. It it does. Changes everything. Yeah.
0:14:33
And especially when we're, like, we we're also conditioned to, like, get the help that's given. Like, you should be so thankful that we've done this for you. When you really need this, it's like, oh, thank you for the blue item, but I really needed the purple item. And you're like, they're like, but we gave you the blue item. You should be thankful we did that for you. And it's like totally thankful that you did this, but it's not actually what I need. So now we we are also conditioned to accept whatever is given to us as opposed to what we actually need. And then we spend our life building up this messaging, building up these walls, And so then we get to be adults and we go out in the world and we we hear those same messages and even though we have the capacity to say, yeah, this isn't what I need.
0:15:17
We get labeled things like Karen. We get you know, like, all of the stuff. Right? You're just like, I just really wanna be able to get into the building. I have limited mobility, and people are like, wow. You just want everything. You know what? If you can't walk on the sidewalk, you shouldn't leave your house. And it's like, do you hear yourself singing these things? And they don't? Because it doesn't impact them. And it's institutional.
0:15:41
A client of mine is at university and they are trying to get accommodations for private select housing. So this is preferred housing for people who need accommodations. And the way that they've gone about this is by requiring students to join chat groups and interface with the other students to potentially make roommate matches, which I mean, is probably fine if you're not neurodivergent, but if you are for many of us, that's like the ninth circle of hell trying to navigate a private chat group to find somebody I'm friends with? Are you kidding me right now? That's just And so my client is still in the massive public on campus housing because he hasn't found a buddy yet. Because the system is not set up in a way that actually accommodates him. Helps. Yeah.
0:17:03
One of the best experiences I had was actually on my birthday in Italy. We had just gone through a vineyard and we were about to have lunch in their restaurant. And as I walked into the room, I saw the owners, like, look at me. And to know one secret, I'm a fat bottoms gal. I got I got some some stuff happening in my hips. Anyways, I look at the room and I see very tiny chairs with m's on them. And I I was like, okay. I'll just squish my my took us in there. Not Anyways, I started walking to the back of the of the room, and I could hear like a commotion around me And I was like, oh, and then all of a sudden, I went to go pull out a chair, and the chair was moved. And another chair that was neither thrown around was underneath me all of a sudden, and the and I was like, oh, and he's like, much better chair, much more comfortable.
0:17:59
Then it didn't say anything like for fat bottoms, you know, persons. They were just like It didn't say, I'm afraid you're going to bus my rickety furniture. Oh. Here is something that can accommodate you. He was like, you brought me a wide assed chair, and he was like, see. Yes. You're you're Bless you. Yeah. He's just like, you deserve that. And I was like, boom. Workday ever. And then they're like, wait, it's your birthday. I'm like, honestly.
0:18:29
Like, I was just, like, so blown away by this, like and that shouldn't be exceptional. I should just be able to get a chair. I can fit my took us in. Like, this is like a thing. Right? And, you know, like, I could still wear pants. Like, I'm still like, I still you know, like, I'm not I move around. I'm not like, it's not exceptionally sized chair. But when you got these anybitty bottoms and you're building all these chairs for these anybitty bottoms, like you there's we need some room for difference. Okay? No. And I have to say this is highly ironic considering the girth of the Italian birthing hips. Right? We all have man, I'm Italian. They they never went back to size over here. They've just gotten happier and happier, baby.
0:19:18
Like, it is like it's anyways, I was just I was so impressed and my husband was like, wow. Like, I was like, because he didn't have to ask for accessibility for me. Like, you know, there's these things that we can do. Another good example using for help also with my with my big tookest is on the airplane. So I don't know if anyone knows this, but you you can ask for belt extenders, seatbelt extenders, you don't have to, like, cram yourself in. And I gotta say, like, they're those seatbelts are getting smaller and smaller. It's not just me getting big. They're getting I have seen tiny people going, why is this so tight?
0:19:53
And then I you know, so I got used to just saying, like, as I walk on, like, I get a seatbelt extender. And, like, I have never had a flight attendant that is, like, like, they're they don't even like, their faces even changed. Like, absolutely. And you know, I did have one guy who could like, he was, like, holding it close. And then maybe we're, like, what's that? What's that? I'm, like, it's a seatbelt extender. You don't have to do it. You don't have to crowd yourself in. And I just shouted at it. And everyone's like, how many of those do you have? And the guy said, I don't think so. He's like, listen, I have enough for every seat. Does anybody else need these? And we were like, a mess.
0:20:26
There's a gentleman who was like, are you kidding me. Where did you learn this? I'm like, wow, my husband's in the travel industry. You know, I'm like, it's great. And he he clips on. He's like, this is the greatest thing ever, and you could just ask for this. I'm like, yes. You can just ask for this. But you Right. Don't hide this. Right? That's the other thing is we hide how much support is possible. We make people ask for it. We're like, here's how much you get.
0:20:51
Then you have to get on the chat and you have to be like, can I get this? And they're like, no. And then you're like, can I speak to your manager? Like, is there someone else there. And then they're like, no. And then you keep you keep at, and they're like, okay. Fine. And then you know it's the same person, but now they've just changed their voice voice. And you're like, can I please just get some sort of accommodation?
0:21:11
We've created all of these, like, false containers and barriers. So there's that happening in the system. And we can't we're not gonna crumble it tomorrow because we have decided to control people by how much support, how much assistance they can have. This ranges from government assistance for disabled folks. This ranges from, like, houseless folks getting access to mental health. All of this gets restricted on how many things you can access or how much help you can have. We've created this. We've actually literally made this up We live in this, like, bountiful abundant world, and we have made up barriers of how much help you can have.
0:21:58
And that's that's where it lives. It's in the scarcity mindset that there is not enough for everyone to go around. So how dare you ask for something extra? And again, possible. Profitable. We made it profitable on scarcity. We made scarcity. Right. We made scarcity profitable in instead of allowing for it to be abundant, for help to be abundant, and for your needs to be freely met. And again, Maurice and I live in the same place here on this one, capitalism is not a great system, but it's the best one we currently have. And I think that we can both work within the system of capitalism and also build in layers of abundance.
0:23:02
I do have a secret for you though. There is one aspect of capitalism. I am a big fan of. Me that gassed that way. Man. Because I know, like, we were like, wait, you hate capitalism.
0:23:13
I'm like, I do love the idea of, like, the free market. I love the fact that we can create all these different kinds of things and we get to choose what level we want. Yeah. Sometimes it costs more. Yeah. Sometimes it, like, requires more production I get that. What I don't love is when we have basic human rights and needs, so health care, education, mental health, I know that's technical health care. Housing, utilities, education, where we have made that scarcity profitable. It's where we've limited people access to what they want and what they live. We just as a I can't say. As a society, we need to move forward to actually create those things to be accessible for what you need and what you want and not have it cost astronomical amounts.
0:24:08
So I can't remember where I came by this particular tidbit, and this often happens to me. But it was analysis of the idea that where Milton Friedman went wrong, not necessarily capitalism. But where Milton Friedman went wrong, is that the is the idea of obligation to shareholders rather than obligation to stake holders. And when I tell you that I got a little bit of a chill when I read that because when the obligation is to shareholders, we are automatically pursuing scarcity. The best example I can give you of this currently is EpiPen. And this is about to be a big leak gold case because the company that manufactured EpiPen was constantly per doing growth at all costs to benefit its shareholders.
0:25:24
If we per to growth for our stakeholders -- Yeah. -- for the people to home this product service, whatever benefits, then it fundamentally changes the way the game is played. Because we're looking to create abundance. We're looking to live there rather than create scarcity. Yeah. I mean, I'm still amazed that we have invented.
0:25:55
We created the idea that it it makes more sense to throw out food because no one had the money or the obligation to buy it instead of feeding people who are hungry. We literally created a profit system where we make businesses benefit by writing off the expired or about the expired food. Instead, of being able to feed everyone. So it's like the idea that I can afford my food so I go in, I pay a certain price knowing that food is also given to other people who, at this point in time, cannot earn as much. Because of course, we've now placed all this value of a person on their ability to burn. Pay tax is all this exciting stuff. Right?
0:26:40
Back to asking for help. Now we make people feel bad about saying, I'm hungry. I'm hungry. I need food. Now we look at them and go, oh, god. Oh, I hope to help the people. Yeah, we have to help the people because we're the people too. We are the people as well. And so Now we have so we have this challenge with this big society who's still limiting, who's still saying, hey, you get this much help. If you wanna pay this month, you get this much help. If you wanna pay this month, you get this much. There's that.
0:27:13
But we also have the power as people, as people in the world, in society voting, getting elected, creating businesses, building families, to deconstruct and say no. That system no longer works. It never did. I now want something else. And that's what we're trying to do a catalyst. I mean, such as such a small microcosm. I know it's what you're trying to do with the neurodiversity media network is that we start to have these conversations and not just conversations, but actually see it in practice and be able to challenge people to say, okay. How do we create impact? How do we start to get accessibility and make accessibility just the norm? Like, oh, you need this. Here we go. And then we also need to practice asking for help because we've never been taught how to hand up What? Mother May I. Did you play Mother May I as a Oh, yeah. Horrible. Horrible. And if you were the mother and it's like mother man, you're like, yeah. Yeah. And like you let everybody win, everyone gets mad and you're like, You want it? You got it. Right? Now you're not now you're not the popular person on the playground because one person wanted to win. We literally are teaching kids, capitalism, with these games.
0:28:34
And I think that there is some real value in examining the ways that we continue to institutionalize the idea of lack. So I did want to mention if you are food insecure There is a website called too good to go. It's an app. I really love it. It's not actually just recently became available in my local network. But there are we are learning to create resources in spite of this scarcity mentality. We're learning that even though scarcity is portrayed as beneficial that it doesn't have to be And so all of these new categories of things are coming into existence. We're building new structures that work in spite of this set of rules because the only way to change things is to tear it all down rather violently and start over or it's to adapt structurally what we've got and do something else instead. Yeah.
0:30:09
So anyone who's watching this live or on the replay, I wanna know I wanna hear tag me wherever you wanna comment on this. I wanna actually know what would it look like in your life, where you were actively asking for help, actively, actually asking for help, asking for the help, you need. What would that look like? What would it feel like? What would it, you know, look smelled like? What would it, you know, like go to the oldest senses and actually say, okay. Actually, if I was actually asked for the one thing that I need help with today, and I got it, what would happen in my life? Because we get to play those what ifs. And I I will say practice it.
0:30:47
And like I said, you might not be able to first person you ask, you might get a no, they might not be able to. It doesn't mean your ask is possible. It doesn't mean your ask is outrageous. It doesn't mean your ask is too much. It's just that person at that particular time can't do it. Keep asking.
0:31:06
There is no such thing as somebody being too needy. We have needs. What's all? And when we have to continue to ask, a helpful reframe that I have found is that I simply haven't found the right person to meet that need yet. Yeah. It's and it's yet. Yeah. It's that someone out there is available to meet this need in some space or capacity, and I just haven't found them yet. And considering there's what? Seven eight billion people on the planet now. Right? There's a lot of people that I don't know to ask for help. And I think that the more that we look at the odds and the numbers game of it, the easier it is to remove our feelings from it. Yeah.
0:32:01
I mean, there's when we started our pop up company, we went out to landlords and building owners and basically said, hey, we'd like to do something cool. We wanna go into this space. We wanna create this temporary retail environment. We wanna invigorate the neighborhood. We wanna bring a whole bunch of people here. You know, what do you think?
0:32:19
And we heard a lot of nose, and I created with a no no no document. It was basically every time we heard a no, I was like, what's the yes to this? And at the end of, like, I think it was, like, four or five months of asking, and and not, like, we didn't stop. It was over ten years of asking. I mean, we added, but after four, we had somebody said, yeah. And and part of it was like hearing both what the what the nose meant to people. Why did they say no? Well, how can we actually ask for what we need in a way that isn't a yes for them? And we got better at it.
0:32:51
You know, and then it got to the point where we're just like, hey, you got a building. It's empty. I'd love to move in here and act as like a commercial open house. We wanna build a retail space that's temporary. It could be a couple of days. It could be a week. We wanna clean up the place. We wanna bring a whole bunch of people to the neighborhood. We wanna help your other tenants that are in the building have traffic. We want to lease the space. And the best way we think we can help you lease this space is to build a store and people will come in and they'll see what they could build.
0:33:21
And I'll be there. If someone wants to say, this place is for lease, we will have a table set up. We will have your contact information. I will walk them around and help them envision their business in this space. I will give them data on walk by traffic. I will give them data on the parking spots. I will give them data on the signage they're allowed to have. And they're like, yeah. What what date do you wanna do this? Right. Right? But that took a lot of time of asking for what I wanted and hearing the no. And the more that we shape this for our lives the easier this process becomes, and this is true for our business, and this is true for our personal lives too.
0:34:11
I am next week getting ready to teach neurodivergent families. It's gonna be an eight week program we're gonna talk about how you ask for personal accommodations for your children, for your partner. How do you force those institutional levers to move when they seem stuck forever and ever and ever. And a lot of this comes from the idea that we stop asking we just stop asking. We stop being the squeaky wheel because how dare we put somebody else out. And I wanna push back on that.
0:35:02
What are the reasons that people and institutions say no that don't have anything to do with you? Yeah. Burnout. I mean, first of all, burnout. They are you know, oftentimes when you first go to talk to an institutional organization, they've just talked to thirty people who for you. And you can't help that. And and if they have thirty different people coming out of them, they have their own higher ups that they've got to answer to, and they don't always have the power. And that's the reality. Okay? And if they do, sometimes they're limited to who they can, you know, like, oh, you you can have two favorite I worked at a place where I was like, you can have two favors a day that you can do something nice for someone. I was like, that seems really weird. And our a tray. Arbitrary, but okay. And they didn't carry over. It's not like if I didn't give out the good good stuff, you know. Anyways, it was just, like, weird And so when you think about that, it lives like burnout. Then there's like people just never heard of what you're asking for, and they have no idea how to do it. And this is where you become an active partner and asking for help too. So it's like if you can see how it's possible, The other day, I I messaged a a help desk for our the live streaming software I use.
0:36:15
And I was like, hey, do you have this? I'm like, no. That's over a ridiculous thing that you're asking. You would we would never I was like, oh, do you have a road map that I can put it on? But we would never do that. And I was like, well, here's where other your other competitors already do it. Here's how you would do it. Here's how you could restrict it. And here's how you could safeguard your members in because I hear that you're worried about security. Here's how you can do it to help safeguard that. And they were like, oh, oh, okay. Oh, actually yeah. Okay. Here's here's how you get that on the roadmap.
0:36:45
It took a bit. Right? It took a bit of me being an active partner not expecting them to have all the answers either. And I think this is an interesting thing too because it's like sometimes when I ask a question, it's vague. I don't know exactly what I want. I'm hoping that some sort of miracle answer happens. I'm burnt out. I'm exhausted. I've already asked it ten times and got nose. So there's a lot of things going on.
0:37:08
So part of it is like, did I ask the right question? Did I ask for the right again? Do you actually know what would help? And then also how do you help them help you? How do you help them? And sometimes it's, like, impossible. People are some sometimes people are just impossible. You always have to give that, like, Listen, I could give all the advice and you're still gonna get people who just do not wanna help. They don't love their job. They're just doing it to, like, feed their family, and they don't wanna actually go and figure out solutions. They just wanna give you an answer. And that's And that's fine. That's not the right person to be asking. Yeah. And that's the lesson that you learned there. Is okay.
0:37:51
Well, if I can't get anywhere with this particular person, how do I find somebody else who can potentially help me. Yeah. I'm really good at doing that. Like, even, like, chat when you, like, start talking to somebody, you know they just they just do not get what you're asking at all. I'm pretty good about might transfer me to someone else on the team. I just wanna see if, like, someone else kind of this this kind of strikes an idea in someone else no offense to you.
0:38:18
I just think we're just having a communication challenge. We're just not getting the right I would love to be able to just talk to someone else. And sometimes that people take that personally, but it really isn't. We all have different communication styles. We all have different experiences. Someone else on the team might have helped somebody five minutes ago with the exact same issue, and they're able to help me. I have a number of friends that I'd really, truly love who I will ask them questions and they will answer them And I will just be like, I've I don't know what language you're speaking. I don't think it's English, Yeah. It's I I don't understand. And yet, that answer will perfectly resonate with somebody else. And knowing that that's the case when it comes to communication is inherently flawed, And knowing that communication is inherently flawed just sometimes means that we're not having the same conversation. We share a language. We're still just not having the same conversation. We're not having the same conversation. And when that's the case, it really matters that you find somebody else to ask because you bring an advocate. So this It's like we see some health care. It's definitely you bring an advocate so they can hear and they can whatever.
0:39:48
We do this in the catalyst too. I've had people who are like, listen, I have to get on help desk right now. Can you just Can I share my screen? And can you just see what they say in case I don't understand? Yeah. I'm a tech nerd. Yes. Let's get on there. Let's do this. Right? And so you can get advocates and ask friends, like, listen, I gotta go into the store. I gotta ask for a refund. I think it's gonna be a problem. Can you just come with me to hear both what I'm saying and they're saying? Because I I think you'd be able to have, like, this unbiased, you know, look at I'm emotional. Like, I'm gonna have two where it's, like, I am gonna walk in and cry. I know I'm gonna walk in and cry, but I've gotta do this. Can you come in and I'll just stand there and I'll give you all the information and you ask, This is especially important to note in healthcare because patient advocates are paid and generally on staff.
0:40:46
There is somebody available for you to ask to be an intermediary between you and the people who you are asking these things up. If you find especially healthcare, if you find healthcare inherently antagonistic and for a lot of us can't really say, as I blame you, when a patient advocate is designed to be there to facilitate the communication process. Yep. We assume that when it's personal and it's your health and potentially your life on the line, there's gonna be a lot of emotions there. So how do we help fused the situation. And that's by having an advocate for everybody involved. Yeah.
0:41:40
I used to be paid a a ginormous amount of money to be the go between between the tech, the web development, and the marketing department. They just spoke two different languages. They just were just like, And, you know, like, the web's like, I don't know why they want us to do this and what marketing is like, ah, can they not figure out, like, that this is needy, and I would just be I go in and I'd be like, oh, you need this, you need this to make this work. Here we go. And I would translate it, and then it would get done, and they'd be happy. So it's not just health care. It is like, it is mental health care because it's just like, why are we struggling Why are we trying so the other thing too is we can't always change who we are in order to communicate to someone else either.
0:42:18
And the students have to This is why we have people who are translators. These are why we have people who because sometimes we don't have the capacity to to go learn a whole other communication style, a whole other communication language, a whole other understanding or lifetime background experience in order to have a really great conversation with someone. You know, and I think when we talk about translators, we do kind of assume that they're just there to speak a different language in terms of but but technical language versus plain English is absolutely a place where translator may be required. I can think of a lot of places where just because we're speaking the same language doesn't mean we're speaking the same language. So And sometimes it makes the experience even better.
0:43:13
I mean, we saw the Rihanna's halftime show the deaf woman who is doing the ASL. She's good. She's so good. And, you know, she was, like, in it, and I was, like, oh, I had a whole under understanding of the performance watching her interpretation of it, and it was fantastic. It was fantastic. It was such an integral part of that show that I'm so glad she's gotten the recognition that of what the work that she put into that because she've created this whole other experience for people to enjoy, not just people who need the ASL to the what's happen.
0:43:52
What song were you like? No. It's for everybody. Right? And that's where we see the accessibility. It starts with, like, this is for everybody. We get to enjoy this. We get to see it in a different interpretation. We get to see it in a different language. Like, how phenomenal is that? That we get to do that in the world. Howard Bauchner: And if we start with accessibility and make it accessible to as many people as possible, then everyone benefits.
0:44:24
That's how that works. We get to build things that are enjoyable or necessary or whatever they are. But we try to shape them for as many people as possible. And not everything is for everybody, and that's fine. But how do we build things in a way.
0:44:56
How do we ask for help when it's not necessarily for us? So you think, like, where I'm asking for things or I I see someone else has a need and I also want to ask for it as well. I think that's So first of all, I think the first thing is never be louder than the person asking for help. And and that's just a rule of them. Because what can happen is we start to take on I always say this, like, I'm the voice of, like, the people who can't I well, sure, except everybody has a communicate like, everybody even people who are nonverbal or non oral, like, they have communicate they are able to tell you what they and if we listen, if we actually you know, or we understand. So don't be louder than the person asking. Ask them what they need and how you can help them get what they need as well.
0:45:46
Because we can also screw it up big time. It's like, oh, I thought you wanted the red one So I I got you the red one. It's like, well, actually, no. I needed the purple one, but thanks. And then, you know, and then we get this animosity again. We get these levels of, like, well, I did this for you.
0:46:01
I went and asked for this accessibility, but you didn't ask me what I really needed, or you made it worse by, like, I was already building a relationship here now you've come in and made it volatile or you've made it, you know, violent when we actually just needed better communication skills. We needed a better We needed more voices to make it more important or more more presence as opposed to voices, more presence than voices. And so I think part of it is just, like, really check-in with who you think you're helping. Are you and and get good at asking, is this meeting your needs? I think this is a question that we can all as we're building communities, as we're building businesses, as we're like, we're always kinda talking about build the business how you I mean, even I say create the rules. In order for me to create really good rules, in order to create really great communities, I have to always check-in.
0:46:52
Briar, is this room working? Yes. Is this is this is this chair working for you, you know, we had a conversation the other day about virtual architecture. And people were like, it doesn't matter. We're not actually sitting in that chair. So, well, actually, it does matter. Your mind is taking in that this looks like a fuzzy comfy chair. If your mind is taking in that this is an uncomfortable plastic chair, probably gonna give you lower low back pain. I'm willing to bet you you'll start to feel that lower back pain even though you're not sitting in that virtual chair.
0:47:21
We need to take in the full experience and realize that our senses at every given time are taking information and processes processing that even though we might not actually be experiencing that. So we have to keep checking in. We have to keep building the community and saying, what what can we do together? What what works for you? What works for both of us? What would make it even better? Because we're anticipating some future needs, you know, and getting that ideas and having it be a collective process. Yeah. And I think what's key here is the understanding that if you are attempting to amplify someone else's need, You better be damn sure you know what that need is. I think it's important to be able to really have clarity around those concepts. And that's true when we're advocating for our children, for our partners, that's true when we're advocating for other people who are in our circles and spaces.
0:48:32
Howard Bauchner: Yeah, and and we we've seen this too, like, mothers of kids with, you know, autism. It's like it's hard. Right? Because they're like, why my my kid has autism? And this is what I think is best for them. I'm like, what does your kid think is best for them? Because they're sovereign autonomous people. You know? Like, so sometimes we think we know too. Also, we might talk I might talk to you on Monday, and you tell me what you need. And Thursday, you've changed that need, and it doesn't matter. I'll just say that. It's like you're allowed to have different needs as you evolve as a person. So I can't be like, well, I was building for this for you, like you said, on Monday. Again, are we building up resentment for helping people? Are we building up resentment for going to all work and then not meeting that need and then feeling like we like, that's when we have to start to unpack our own. It's like how much support do we have in order to provide support for other people? And I think what's key here is structurally understanding that our ability to meet someone else's needs will vary over time. What I have access to today is not gonna be necessarily what I have access to on Friday. And if that's the case, then we need to make sure, honestly, it comes down to consistent communication and checking in and being like, okay, is this working for you? Is this still working for you?
0:50:10
Enthusiastic consent applies to so many things in our lives beyond just sex And I really wish we spent more time talking about what that looks like just as a rule. What does it mean for you and you're muted? Yes. I was like, maybe we should talk about that next time because I think that is a really good because I see it too in the cows from here. I'm like, is this this is working? I'm like, that's okay. I'm like, no. I'm not gonna go build it. Like, I I need it to be like, yeah. This is amazing. Otherwise, I don't wanna do it. And so, like, let's talk about that next time. I think that's a really good one is, like, how do we give enthusiastic consent? To being supported and nourished. You know, again, that goes to the limits of what we're allowed to ask for help. Yes. Because we're asking for our needs, of which there are never too many, of that can change at any point in time and that we are allowed to change our minds about. So seems like enthusiastic consent should just kind of be built into the process. No? Yeah. I mean, but I think we haven't Again, there's like so well, as we're talking about that immediately, I was starting to think about these, like, toxic Facebook groups where men folk will talk about, like, oh, the women want all this and this, this, and then they expect me to love them to like, I don't know.
0:51:45
Like, all these kind of, like, toxic again, it's, like, Yeah. They expect these things. Like, yes, they expect you to be an active partner in raising your children. Like, yeah. Like, and then where it seems like these are just these outrageous demands. And so then a person says, like, kinda, like, you know, if I get you to take up the garbage becomes this huge thing that we've asked.
0:52:05
So I think there's enthusiastic consent about being helped, but then there's enthusiastic consent about asking for help as well. Like, am I allowed to ask you for support? And when situations arise where you aren't where it isn't actually safe for you to ask for help. You know, you know, and you internalize that And then you don't ask for help when it is potentially incredibly needed. So how are we building the mechanisms to walk away? Well, and and are we walking away from really living a really fulfilled, nourished life? Like, are we settling? I mean, like, oh, this is fine. And I mean, I get that, like, there's a whole bunch of, like, systemic aggressions and sometimes we have to live with what we have. I get that. I just want to start I want us to start challenging what's possible for us. I want us to start challenging what's possible for other people. You know, have we created unrealistic boundaries or limits of support for other people in our lives just because we thought we had to.
0:53:23
We see this a lot in, like, the business world from a pricing structure. How many or, you know, how much is this session worth? And it's like, I don't really love going, like, this is how much this one session is worth. I don't wanna mark it. My life down says sixty minute time increments and the value of sixty minutes with me. I want it to be like an outcome. And that goes for going for coffee with my friends and, you know, serving people in my business. Right. I'm looking for experiences. I'm looking for outcomes, and I'm looking for equal exchange. If the relationship is going to be beneficial, then it's going to be mutually beneficial. We're both going to get something out of it, and that needs to be okay. Yeah. And this ties into, like, really good healthy relationship building as well and and building support communities.
0:54:21
I mean, I I just think how many people are out there with no support community at all. And that goes through a variety of levels. You know, not just business owners. We're we're talking about every day. Like, do you have two or three people that you can ask for help. And the reason why I say that is, like, because that first person might have a lot on their plate right now and it's not that they don't wanna help you, they just don't have the capacity. So do you have two and three?
0:54:43
This is really funny because as we're doing this, there's an emergency alert coming across, like, my phone and my watch. And I just think it's like, they're they're testing to make sure we all know how to help in case of an emergency as we're talking about this. I was like, god. And it's like, It's like seven times. I'm like, listen, I don't have time for you right now. You need to take your alert and go elsewhere. And I'm as I'm talking about this, like, I'm sorry emergency alert. I'm sorry. I appreciate how important you are right now, but not right now. This test is not needed right now. Anyway, it's just funny. It's just like one of these like it's where the universe delivers you a whole bunch of signs while while you're doing things. But yeah. I mean, I think we oh, prior. I mean, I think Part of it is really just noticing these things in our life where these are happening, you know, where we don't have the support community and seeing how we can build one.
0:55:34
And not just the support community to support us, but those really nice or super cool relationships will we support other people? And as always, we would love it if you came and joined us in the catalyst to build some of these at least business related reciprocal relationships it's been truly fundamentally life changing for me and my business and the way that I do the work in the world that I do. And I feel like that comes from at least in part having a place where you can go and say, no questions asked. I need help with this. For the love of God who is available to help me with this thing. I'm being really unapologetic. Like, somebody were like, I'm sorry I ain't this help. I'm like, I love it. And I'm like, you just brighten my whole day by asking me to help you build a website. Yeah. Let's do it. I think you want content written. Yeah. You want a whole profit plan? Let's do it. I got an hour. Like, let's go through it. Like, I that that's what I'm there for.
0:56:52
I always say to people, I'm like, I don't wanna just sit there. I get bored. Sometimes I'm just like, hello. Does anyone need any help? Does anyone need anything? No. I'm available. And, you know, part of it is, like, really knowing how we are fueling other people as well. You know, this is where we can talk until, like, those structures about work versus just being, I don't think it's work when I'm helping someone build a website.
0:57:14
This is like my idea of a good time. It's either this or a nap and I like both. So if I can help you do this or if you wanna go nap together, we can also go lay on the bed and we can just you know, nap in the catalyst room, we can do that. But but know what you need. Right? And be Yes. Unapologetic about asking for it. So that's my that's my ask for everybody this week is to go out and practice, really listen to your intuition, what would be really cool in your life right now. Full of ice cream. Awesome. Who can help you get that? Go on the too good to go app.
0:57:48
You want some delicious pastries, some pizza, some guarma. I mean, we have, like, all I love I live on the table. Damn it now. I want guarma. Yeah. I oh, the swarm of here. You have to pick it up at, like, eleven thirty a night, and I'm like, oh, it's too cold. But in the summer, I'm there for you, swarm of man. I will come in and get all the formats that you have. Like, come on.
0:58:11
You know, like, that is those that's helping too. It's helping them not have food wasted. Right? Helping them create because we've explored new restaurants that we would never have gone to and discovered that halal pizza is the only way to eat pizza. I don't know what it is, but hello pizza is the most delicious pizza in the world.
0:58:34
No. I know. We've tried it, like, three different places now, and it's like and then we had non hallow and we're like, difference. Difference. Right? But we would never have known that if it wasn't for the two good to go. Helping us try different palettes, try different ways of preparing food. You know, this is what we this is all part of that bigger discussion of health.
0:58:56
And next week, we will be talking about how you get help enthusiastically when you need it. That one's gonna be fun. Being all in to receive the help and all in to give the help. Yeah. Well, not next week. Two weeks from now. It was great. Will set it up ahead of time because I am almost there in my pre scheduling. I know. You have the logo. Right. I have the logo.
0:59:31
We're getting Not myself. We're we're getting podcasts rolled out in the next week or so, and it's coming right along. I'm very proud of what we're building over here. So if you would like to support us, please check us out at the neurodiversity media network dot substack dot com I'll be fixed soon. I figured out I figured out what's wrong with the with the domain. I figured it out today by the way. Oh, did you? Wow. Please. We'll have to go chat about that later. See? Because I asked for help. I said, I can't figure this out and So Marissa has been on the case. Okay. No. Yeah. Check us out. Pay his subscribers. Get access to two private streams.
1:00:18
We're gonna talk about this week in the news. We're gonna talk about the anti productivity of tech, I'm gonna walk you through tech and tell you why you probably don't need it. Right. Right. My appsumo addiction just, like, screamed of fiery death when you said that. I know. I know. Yeah. Alright y'all. Checkes out. You can find marissa at create the rules dot com. If you're interested in the catalyst, let me know. I've got an affiliate link and we will talk to you all next time. Alright. Peace out. Bye.
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