Unlearning How to Ask for Help w/ Marissa Loewen

0:00:02

Yay. Hello, and welcome y'all. This is Briar Harvey, and this is the neurodiversity media network. Today, I have the fabulous Marissa Loewen. We are here to talk about on learning how to ask for help. Oh, oh, the desk just moved. We're we're she's trying to take on let's try and put it on myself again. The logo. I got needs. It's fine. Is it? It's fine. No. Really? It's fine.

0:00:42

Today, we are talking about actually receiving help, which is fine. I'm going to actually allow Marissa to adjust her desk so that my logo is cleverly placed in the corner on her shelf. Yeah. Right? Right? We have needs. We all have needs sometimes it would drive me nuts if all of a sudden this like besides that, it looks like it actually looks like the m. It still looks like Marissa So I love that you've created a logo that's really just me with, like, bum cheeks on the other side. Like, I love it. I love my cats. Right? Yeah. This is touching and their butt sticking up in the air. Yeah. I get it. But this is like I know. It's a lens, so that's all you care about. It's clouds in the sky. Okay.

0:01:31

Let's talk about actually receiving help. This came up last week because we were asking about actually asking for help. That's the thing just there is a there's an interesting thing and we're putting the actually in front because sometimes people go, well, I ask for help all the time and I don't get it. Or you know, I I'm gonna I'm gonna getting help. I ask for help all the no. It's like actually asking for what you need that actually So there's this this thing that I've been noticing over the last few weeks in the catalyst and in just in life is people will ask what they think they're allowed to ask like, there's like this little this one thing, but it's not actually what they need in order to really thrive. And I'm curious if you're watching this, if this is you, if you kinda go, oh, I'm just gonna I'm gonna ask for something. It's not what I really need, but it's what I like, I it's okay, but it's some sort of help.

0:02:21

Sometimes we do it to test out to see if that person or that tool or that tactic is going to actually help us more. So it's like a tester. But sometimes we do it just because we just like, someone's like, can I help you? And you're like, yeah. Can you do this? And it's not really the big thing that really moves the needle.

0:02:39

And I think part of that not asking for what we really need is because we don't even know how to receive help when it's offered to us. So if we were to actually receive the full help that we get, one, I mean, I know people are like, no, no, I can't take it. I'm sorry. You're gonna give me a million dollars. I can't. Like, it's not like that, but it's actually receiving it in our body in ourselves to actually know what to do with it, and then how to keep the thriving going.

0:03:07

Because the other time I see is that people kinda go to the deplete then they get a whole bunch of help, and then they they they wait. Right? They wait until they're depleted again before they ask for help. And it's like, why are we doing this? Like, why do we feel like we have to struggle all the time before we can ask for help? That's the other thing. I talked a couple weeks ago about massage therapists and how we only go to massage therapists when we're in pain or sore. So what that does is it has a trigger effect on their body because their muscles are always working on, you know, tight muscles. If we went when things were good, when we were limber, you know, we would be able to keep it going and keep it going better.

0:03:49

But because we can't receive, because we won't, because we don't have permission to, because we've been taught that we're only allowed a certain amount of support. It can be really hard to keep ourselves going in this momentum. And I think that's what leads us to only asking for a piece of what we need. Yeah. Something is better than nothing. Or we can say we did ask for help and as well, didn't help. There's that there's that side of it too because sometimes we just have these, like, you know, we sabotage ourselves.

0:04:31

I do it. I do it all the time. I'm like, oh, I'm just gonna do this. And because I didn't ask for help, I'd be like, oh, that didn't work. Or, you know, whatever. Right? But it's like when something really scares me, when something I know is really, really good, I will not ask for help when I really should be asking for help to make it even better. And it's like I I know I personally hold myself back from that. Why? You know, for me, I think it's just oh oh, actually, I know exactly what it is. And my mom's watching this. I'm sorry. But my mom really I mean, of course, I'm a Gen X kid, so you know, we came home to empty houses. And Yes. We did. My dad worked nights and he's truck driver and my mom really like Bingo. And I spent a lot of my evenings even alone too. And so that caused me to be very independent. I'd get myself up, make my lunch, take myself to school. I actually started my first job in grade five at the school. Started my first business in grade six at the school, did a did a full business in grade six and seven, so that I could have money to spend and buy things.

0:05:45

My mom raised me to be very independent. When I would ask my mom, like, what do you think? What do you think? My mom would always say and this is like a trigger for me because I know when people have said me. I immediately tailspin, but it's you'll figure it out. You always do. And so it was hard because it's like I'm literally asking you because I don't know how. And then to be told, you'll figure it out you always do, which I know my mom was like, this is gonna make her to be an independent person and and go out and do this. But it's actually very isolating. And it also just kept saying, I've gotta do it myself. I've gotta do it myself.

0:06:24

Then we compound the propaganda of hundreds of years ago, which we are still living. What happened is when they wanted to colonize America they put these posters in European towns where people were living on top of each other and living with their, you know, family members and said, come to America. We've got all this open space, you're gonna work very hard, and you're gonna get the you're gonna get all these rewards. If you work hard, you'll get all you'll get this bountiful land, work hard, you know, boot pull yourself a boots like, all these, like, phrases, these propaganda, these oppression tools even are still echoing in our head that we have to do it ourselves we've got to do it the hard way, working hard or hardly working. All of these phrases are propaganda from hundreds of years ago when we colonize North America. And we're still living them? Yes, we are. And we're still defining our work ethic by these stupid posters and these stupid, you know, like, they were a newspaper.

0:07:32

So once you landed here, it was like, you gotta do it on your own. You gotta build that house on you, but it's gonna be rewarding. You know, you're gonna have all this amazing things come to you if you just work hard. If you just do it yourself. If you and the thing is you we came from communities where people work together and support each other. And then we, like, were told that that wasn't good. Right? And now we've we've we're still doing it. And as business owners, you know, we go out where these entrepreneurs, solo partners, solo business owners were constantly put through all of these still propaganda that we've gotta work hard, that we've gotta hustle harder, that we've gotta do all of these things from and you gotta do it yourself? Yeah. It's a different kind of propaganda, but it's still the same underlying themes.

0:08:19

If you work hard, you will have a five, six, seven, and now ten figure business. Ten figure business. The new the new term. We're not getting y'all. Yeah. There's been advertisements. Ten figure business. We're now at the ten figure business mark.

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I am gonna tell you right now if you are tempted to put in build your ten figure business, ten bit figure business, you know, women's business network, whatever those things are. They're not on Facebook. Okay? Yeah. Just gonna tell you this. Right? Like, let's be real. Let's actually talk about what these numbers mean and what these numbers impact and even saying these things, these aren't aspirational goals. We're building these freaking huge goals or not asking for help.

0:09:05

Even if we do get help, we don't know how to receive it. If someone came to your business tomorrow and said, hey, I got a million dollars in capital and resources and connections. Would you be able to hit the ground running and say, I can put that to work in my business, and I know how to actually make it work for me as opposed to me working harder to then prove something. Most people would not be able to say yes to that. Nope. Nope. And they do. They end up bringing themselves out. Not with work hours, but with expect rotation. And this is a big thing too when we talk about asking for help. It is the expectations that are actually killing us as opposed to the actual goal posts. Okay? So, like, the actual the markers that we can see, it's the expectations We see this from Etsy sellers who are packing their boxes full of so many extra things that their profit margins are whittled down, five hundred you know, you ordered one sticker for me and I'm gonna throw in three hundred dollars worth of stuff so that when you open it, you give me a freaking five star review.

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That's not asking for help. That is actually trying to just overcompensate and hope that someone doesn't give you a four star review because they hate giving five star reviews. You know, those kind of things happen. We're really defining our world around this expectation that we've got to overdo it. Overcompensate. Overwork ourselves. For Overdeliver. God forbid, you don't overdeliver, Marissa.

0:10:44

I saw a post yesterday and people were celebrating it. Again, you're on my Facebook feed. If you see this, I'm sorry. But he's like, I gotta give I'm giving away you know, he went to his coach and said, you know, if if you were to I think what was this scenario? If you wanted to make up if you if you and your family need to make a hundred thousand dollars this year, and it was life or death, what would you do? And he's like, His coach is like, give nine months free of free content.

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I was like, well, that's like, coming from privilege and they they have quoted, like, Dean Harmosi and all these, you know, these guru these celebrity entrepreneurs. Right? And they're like, oh, they they give all the you gotta give it all free. If you give it all free, people will see the value and then they'll spend money with you. Some people don't have the ability to give anything for free because they've already exhausted themselves. So now you're asking me to give nine months of free content. You're saying that from a place of privilege. You're saying that from your bills are already paid because I'm gonna tell you something. If your family needs to make a hundred thousand dollars this year, you can't wait nine months to not pay your mortgage.

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So when you say things like that out to the masses, out to the people, all you're doing is you're telling people to work for free, not ask for help, and get it done. And to bring this all back around -- Yes. -- that's what makes us unable to receive. Receive. That's right. Because we have to give so much. And I'll tell you something when you're in full giving mode, when you're just depleting when you're just taking out of that thing. You you can't even pour it back in. You can't.

0:12:30

Have you ever like, if anybody's ever gone on and had you, like, a fast, anything over, like, three days, you can't eat. Again. After just I can't just go, like, oh, I fasted for three days. I'm gonna go down for a cheeseburger and a shake. That's not a It happens no break through you. And that's what happens with receiving as well. Right? Because we're so exhausted. We're so parched. We're so exhausted. That even if the help comes in, we can't even expand to soak it in. We just can't.

0:13:03

So where does you know, where do we stop? Where do we stop this kind of I mean, because we can't stop society right now. We can't we can't do it. But we we have to start doing things right now in order for us to change the way we're at. Because it we're we're gonna lose people. We are losing people. We are. We've recently lost over a million and untold numbers. Right? Right. That's right. Because they they couldn't they had no way to ask for help. Our health systems are overburdened, our mental health systems are non existent. That's a very and we have no supports in place to support the caregivers and the support workers. And this is where we're at. So what can we do? We're you're listening to this right now, whether it's live or on the replay.

0:13:51

I don't wanna depress you, but I want to start let's start co creating solutions. Let's start thinking about how we stop this and how we we first of all, we get help when things are good. Okay, this is the thing with, like, the catalyst. We talk about this all the time. I said, you know, the the challenge I have is that the the impetus, the drive, if you've got a big launch, you you create the problem and then you sell them a solution that that fixes that problem. So they're in pain.

0:14:23

Pain point marketing. You're in pain. I'm gonna give you the solution and you you're desperate. You need it. Right? And you want it to solve a problem right now. The catalyst isn't like that. I mean, the catalyst can be like that. People join and they're like, I've got a problem. Fine. That's fine. But actually, the catalyst is really good when things are really good because then you build up a network, you build up collaborations, you are relaxed, you're able to see your growth opportunities, you're able to see your scaling opportunities, you're able to build in resources, you're able to make things even better. But it's like selling again, it's like selling a pack of mass you know, massages to really relax people. They're like, why do I need it? Right? Because we've built up all of this propaganda. We've built up all of these marketing systems, these multi billion dollar advertising schemes for pain point marketing instead of actually fueling people and encouraging the fueling of people. And I think there is a crab in the bucket here problem. Right?

0:15:32

That people who ask for help well and receive it well, are often chastised for being able to ask for and receive help because none of the rest of us did and I did it by myself and why can't you? Yeah and a lot of service positions are looked down upon. I won't I won't go down into that. We know we know we can't talk about certain topics, but it it's a service for like, professionals who support other people are often seen as lower positions, and that's only because we keep them lower. I'm I'm sorry that someone who's willing to help me succeed. I wanna pay them handsomely. I wanna pay them equally because it isn't about you know, classism. It isn't about the, you know, your lack of skills in another department and you I'm sorry. If you're a really great cook, if you're really great at cleaning, if you're really if you're really I want you to be rewarded because you're keeping me alive.

0:16:41

Healthcare professionals, mental health professionals. We have to look at systems of shared mental health care because and cost because we can't expect our therapists to survive on seventy five dollars appointment, but that's what that's barely what people can even pay. Right? We're looking at two fifty, three fifty five hundred dollars an hour is really what our therapists should be paid so that they can take vacation and so that they can get therapy, so that they can get massages. But we don't have the ability necessarily do that as a single user for some people. So we have to create the systems that are actually where we are sharing in the load because mental health is costing us, Bosilians. Bosilians.

0:17:24

If we actually got together and created a shared cost system and I don't wanna scare anyone. I'm not talking about the c word or the s word. I'm talking about shared services. We it would it would actually save us billions, if not trillions in other supports across the board. So it's like we've gotta start making a stand. We've gotta start and it's gotta start with us. Right? So we have to say to ourselves okay, when life is good, I'm gonna look for people to help make it even better. And sometimes we can't afford it, and that's okay too. Sometimes we have to do bartering, sometimes we help each other out.

0:18:04

And I would say, like, for the folks in the in the world who have who have or speaking from privilege, who could do nine months of free content, give that nine months to someone's business. Mhmm. Give that give that to if you can afford nine months of free content in your business, give that to someone else. We're getting we're getting a not for profit. We're getting a bit in a in a in a business owner who is in a startup. Go do that. Because that's where you're gonna really move the needle. You're gonna be able to say, hey, you know what? I think I went to your business and work eight, nine months. And let's go. Let's let's change something here. Right? Let's take that load off.

0:18:42

The issue is often one of scale. And I think that the solution to that is to not worry about the scale so much and instead bring it into what you personally can achieve. Yeah. And that's it. And this the scale problem is really what started the whole high ticket online. You know, charged several thousands of dollars to a few, and then you're not working as hard. And then you got the other people, like, we don't wanna we don't wanna charge we wanna charge the small, but we wanna give to, you know, to we wanna sell to the many, and both work in certain circumstances. But the thing is if you can't sell one high thing, it doesn't matter, you know, it doesn't matter whether you're selling to twenty five or twenty five hundred to get to your goals. If you can't sell one, You're not in business. Right? So we need to start looking at what's possible from a person and and their business.

0:19:45

And this is we're gonna talk about. I know we're gonna talk about AI. I know we're gonna talk about assisted. And I'm not talking about chat GPT when I talk about AI. I'm talking about tools that Ryan and I are constantly talking about AI systems that are not chat, JBT, and they're not mid journey. These are, like, assistance. These are schedulers. These are file systems. These are I I've been testing out doing some stuff with some design software, and it's, like, incredible. The difference when I said, yeah. Actually, I'll I'll test this out. This sounds really great.

0:20:21

My life in the last two weeks was the thing that you heard me. I'm like, oh, yeah. It's so wanting. I was like, it does this thing for me and, like, I don't have to, like, I don't have to struggle so much. Right? It's been hard. It's been hard to say that.

0:20:36

But but actually leading into these assistive technologies where I don't have to always do it all on my own or sit there with this blinking cursor coming back at me all the time because I'm stuck because I'm an executive function, if I can just get some help and I can move on, we're demonizing that. Right? Because people are monetizing it. And this is where we get into it. Like you said, if people are asking for help or if people are getting help some way, we're immediately chastising them from AI to hiring people to anything like this. And it's like, why? Why? Because we don't have the ability to do it right now for ourselves. So we build up resentment, but also because we have this underlying latent propagenda still that says, you gotta do it yourself or it's not right. Mhmm. Or as soon as you have a team, you're a corporation, you're a business, we have to hate you. Well, frick. You know? Where does it stop?

0:21:42

I think the issue is that certainly with many things, there is no winning. You're never gonna be doing it right for everybody all of the time. So stop trying. Just let's just curl up into little balls and, you know, be a potato. I often say that. Yeah. That didn't work. I tried that. I tried that for a couple years. It didn't work for me.

0:22:09

Eventually, I popped out of the ground as the potato and we're like, okay, I need some sunlight. I mean, I don't know. I don't wanna stop trying. I want I want us to start challenging people. So when people tell me, like, oh, you know, I present you for for like, I've got Lacey you know, amazing person who's been instrumental in the catalyst in the last four weeks has really changed things for people they're able to get support because I they she can free up she frees up my time to be more present in the room. Oh, and so much more efficient than you and so many areas.

0:22:41

I got this email for the thing in May. Marissa, May. It's like, yes. Yeah, she's got me on Notion, which, you know, what? I used to use Notions to be fair, but then, like, you know, the panorama has happened. And I was like, I think I'm gonna be a potato because I stopped I stopped trying to get help. And that's the thing too. I knew that everybody was over for everybody was tired. Everybody So now we're emerging from this total exhaustion point in the world.

0:23:10

So how can we practice actually receiving help? What do you do, Briar? How do you how do you receive help? That's interesting. So I ask for help a lot because I'm very aware of my thresholds of what I am capable of And I it took a long time, but I've gotten really good about being very specific about what I need. And therefore, when I receive that help, it is almost always what I needed. And I can feel good internally about having a need fulfilled. Mhmm. And then I say thank you. Genuinely, sincerely. Depends on what the thing is, but I really like to receive help and then give help to someone else. Right? That's how that particular exchange should work. Because if I received help, then I can offer my health to someone else. And I think that it's for me very much about that law of equal exchange that the more I were receive. And it's not the more I give, the more I receive -- Mhmm. -- and felt that way for a long, long time. But in fact, The more I receive, the more I can give. Howard Bauchner: Yeah, it's interesting.

0:25:00

Reciprocity is one of the persuasion. There's, like, seven persuasion tools that people can use in order to persuade people to do things. I have I have hesitations around it, but it is basically that's the thing. It's the more you give than you'll receive. Right? So it's like, you you give nine months of free content, you're gonna get eighteen months back of free of of, you know, money back. And I'm like, it doesn't work that way all the time. It just doesn't. Even all the law of attraction folks are gonna be like, I'm sorry. That's another episode. But, holy shit. No. But, you know, it's really interesting too because I we talked with us before.

0:25:48

I tried to do things without people knowing that it was me, if I can, because I don't want them to feel like they owe me something back. I'd like people to just receive and have, like, amazing things happen to them and then feel like they don't owe anyone. And there's, like, there's some interesting stuff there that maybe we'll talk about next time. But what I've seen too in the cattle list is, like, people will say, I've got a like, they'll go through their to do list. I'm like, awesome. Let's do let's do it together.

0:26:15

And they're like, oh, let me say this means me. Oh, you've already given me so much. I've already got my money's worth. I'm like, yeah, but you get a year's worth of health. And I was like, hey, like, you've already given me the amount I paid, like, over and over again. I'm like, yeah. But you paid for a year's worth of help. And it doesn't really matter if you, you know, need lots of help every month. God, I swear to God, I know who said this to you without knowing who said to you? I don't think you do. Okay. But several people do it over and over. And every time I'm like, yeah, but you pay for a year's worth of help. So you get a year's worth of help.

0:27:00

And there is some boundaries, there isn't limits, there isn't like, do you just ask for it. If we can do it, we we will do it. You know, it's it's it hurts people. Right? Like, they're just like, but I feel like I'm asking for too much. And then so this person said this and and, you know, like, they were like, oh, I'm like, let me but it's a big to do list. Let's do it together right now. Let's pick one and we'll just do it. And we did it. We did it. And then, like, the next issue is, like, it was a lot lot of stuff. Like, let's just pick another one. We'll do it. We'll do tomorrow. We'll do it, like, we'll just get it done.

0:27:29

And they messaged me like they're like, I just saw another member's brand Did you design it? It looks it feels like your energy. And I was like, yeah. Yeah. I did it. I did the logo. I did the like, the branding. I did the website even.

0:27:46

And she's, like, in the catalyst. I'm, like, yeah. Yeah. We did it. We just did it over a couple of days. Put it all together. And she's, like, And I'm like, that's why I said that you can have all this help too because you guys paid the same amount. And she's like, yeah. I'm learning. Okay. Okay. Yeah. I'm like, yeah. Like, it's okay. It's okay.

0:28:09

We've we've created the systems that this is okay to get this much help. You have to like and I've said to people, you have to trust me that I will be like, I I need a day off. And I don't think anyone in the catalyst will be like, if I say, I I just I need Thursday. Oh, well, I've done this. I've I've had I got sick. I was like, I can't be here today. And everyone's like, bye. We later. How do we kick her out? Right? You know what I mean? Mhmm. And that's that's okay because we've built up the systems where if I all of a sudden can't come in tomorrow, they can come in Sunday. Like, you know what I mean? Like, no one died. No one's gonna die. I need to take a day off? I think there is real freedom in knowing that help will be given as much as it's able. But you've really cultivated that relationship and it makes it easier for people to receive even when they're still learning. How do we implement that in our lives with other people.

0:29:23

Howard Bauchner: So the the challenge is that we have, like, rejection sensitive. Dysportia is a Dysportia disorder. I'm not sure what the whole d is. Dysportia. So what'll happen is I'll be like prior can you help me with something? And you're like, actually, I can't right now. And then immediately without hearing the but I can tomorrow, I'm like, Briar hates me. Goodbye. Goodbye forever. Right? And that's that's the problem. Right? And we don't you know, and if if we absolutely need help today and Briar can't help me today, I then go, oh, I'm less likely to ask Alice. Alice, can you help me today? Right?

0:30:03

And the thing is every time we ask for help when we get a no, it's hard. It's really hard. We we end up creating what we call the no no document in our pop ups. So every time we had a no from a landlord, we wrote it down and figured out what a yes would be. But we also figured out other solutions. Right? So if the landlords can't help us, who can. Right? And part of it is shifting your perspective into no one can help me to who can help me. Right? Always saying who else can help me. Right? And then also asking really great people. Like, that's the other thing too.

0:30:38

We tend to, like, we'll ask our family first and then maybe our close friends. But there's actually probably really great support systems out there that we can be accessing to. Like applying for grants, Like applying for Burceries, like applying for for funding. Right? We will hold ourselves back from that even though that would actually help us be in a stressful position and not deplete our savings and all that kind of and not deplete our family and friends in the start up phases of businesses. But we hesitate to even do that when those are systems that are set up specifically to help. Mhmm. Right? Because we just worry about the rejection or the work is it's hard work to to apply for funding and put it in grants, and and you sometimes get a no.

0:31:26

And that that happens. But you get better every time you do one, just like you get better every time you ask for help. So this is the thing as it's like, you can have a thousand nos, but when you have that thousand on the thousand a month time that you ask, it's gonna be a freaking great yes. And I know that can be hard to hear that and be like, but I've had so many nose or I've had I don't and part of it's like sometimes maybe just need new people in your life too. Like, you need to surround yourself. Right?

0:31:59

I somebody the other day was saying to me this week that they're being very intentional about who they spend their time with. And it sounds really, like, kind of, like, you know, snobby or sweetie, but it's true. Right? Can you surround yourself with people who are willing? And we've seen this in the catalyst. Like, how many times have you come into the catalyst and said, can I get somebody look on this? And no one's answered.

0:32:22

Like, I've never I've never been in there when when it's happened. Oh, did you freeze? No. But it has absolutely has happened where because they'll be, you know, no one in there. Often -- Oh. -- smart lighting in there. Often that it because of the weird hours in which I were. Okay. It's it it feels like a similar kind of rejection, though. Oh, god. There's no way here. But if I but if I'm in there, have I ever said? Like, you know? No. Honestly, I don't think I've ever gotten a no.

0:33:00

Yesterday, I got a I am not from you. It was Darcy's day. And she had to leave But we got twenty minutes. Let's get this done. Yeah. And I've done that too. Like, I got twenty minutes. You wanna get started today or you wanna just work on it tomorrow? You know, and those are those are those things where we start to, like, it's a it's a Nova right now, but, like, let's figure out when it's a good time.

0:33:28

And I think that the more we ask, the more we receive, the easier it gets, but what do we do when we shut down? When we've shut down, when we can't even ask for help. Mhmm. I mean, this is hard. Like, this is I mean, part of receiving help is also from ourselves. So it's like, am I going to bed on time? Am I drinking water? I here here's how I I'm receiving help. This is my new forty ounce, lovely That's me. Big bottle. A larger than my head. Okay. And I have a ginormous head.

0:34:10

I do not drink water. I realized this is we like, the way our brains work is super weird, but, like, I'm, like, I'm not gonna have a glass of water because by the time I drink water really fast. So if I fill up a glass of water, I'm gonna drink it really fast and I've gotta go refill it again, which means I've got, like, back and forth and gonna get so I'm just not gonna drink any water at all. What? I went and got help. Okay? I went and got help in the form of a forty ounce water. And I still drink this really fast, but now I'm actually drinking water. Okay? And it's lasting me a little bit longer. I also at the same time bought my my big ass French press. Okay? So the same but here's here's the ADHD hack. It keeps it hot for four hours, so I can make my cough forget about it.

0:34:54

And then, like, all this week, people were like, did you make coffee? I'm like, oh, Yes. Like, three hours ago. And they're like, is it still hot? I'm like, piping hot. Like, excellent. Right? So that's me asking for help and getting it. Okay?

0:35:10

I can't ask somebody to or hire someone right now from to make me coffee. You know, my cat is not my I can't I can't I'm just not gonna have my cat to go get a roll of toilet paper. For the last four years. And she still is like, no, I don't. Why? Why would I do that? So, like, I I gotta do those things. So that's asking for help. So then when you shut down, it's like, actually, what can you do for yourself? Okay? If you've heard ten thousand nos and it feels like no, you know, it it it's hard. And I don't wanna, like, say that just just ask for different things because there is there are so many different nuances, there's so many different layers of oppression, there's so many different layers of prejudice, how happening in the world. There's so many different cultural expectations. But it's like, first of all, if you're listening to this, You come ask me. If I can't help you, I probably know someone who can. Oh, she absolutely knows someone who can. Yeah.

0:36:10

I had a random person on LinkedIn ask me, do you still do life coaching? And I was like, I don't. I'm like, what what do you need to help with though? And as you're talking, I'm like, oh, yeah, I'm gonna introduce you to Joa Ahernstrom. She's actually gonna help you. You you're looking for a group of it. Absolutely, the person that you need to talk to. Right? This person messaged me randomly on LinkedIn. Y'all, I asked her once if she knew a chemist because I needed some science explained. And she's like, yeah. Let me let me track them down. But Yeah. Last name was like, I need a yacht, and I was like, I happen to know a guy who's on who lives on a yacht right now? What do we need from him? You know, like, these are these are things, like, we can just go out there and create But part of it is, like, also, what do you need?

0:36:55

Who do you need in your network? Okay? And this is really important from a business owner perspective, but it's really good just in life. Okay? Find know someone who's a plumber. Know someone who's an electrician. Always know someone who has a truck. And if you have a truck, no, know that you have a communal responsibility to sometimes haul garbage. I'm just gonna put it up there or manure. Okay? There is gonna be someone who needs you to load crap of some kind. And it's just that's that's part of your social responsibility when you own a truck.

0:37:32

But but like no people who know things, no people who know how to use Google, you know, no people who know how to find funders No people who and and use them. Right? Because I'll tell you something, the people who are the connect in the world. Love it when we can connect. I know this for a fact.

0:37:52

Nothing makes me happier than making an introduction between two people who need each other. Literally nothing makes me happier. I have an air table of everybody I need. And it's super creepy I know. But I started a couple years ago when Clubhouse came out because I'd be hearing people talk on Clubhouse and like this person's interesting. And I would just be like, I'd go their bio, put down their information, what they're really good at, how to get a hold of them. And I started collecting. And I've I've done this for years before clubhouse, but, like, I had actually I have a Rolodex. And I would keep their card. I'd be like and they didn't have a card. I'd make them a little card and I'd put it in my little Rolodex. K?

0:38:37

People are like, I need and and we did this with our crafts, our you know, the pop ups. People like, I need someone who can make aprons. I'm like, I have three options for you. Here you are. Pick your pick your person. You know, like that is these are essential tools to have, but these are things that you really wanna do in your life too. Is really start having that rolodex of support. Okay? Because when you get the one no, you're gonna have two or three great yeses. Who are available.

0:39:05

Now, it's worth acknowledging that for a lot of us, a network is a form of privilege. Like, I certainly did not have the network that I have now when I was younger. And I had to get into rooms and to meet these people. And that can be hard for people. But I think that if you struggle with this, you need to figure out ways to make yourself available to be adopted by people like Marissa. Yeah. Well, or, like, I'm an introvert. I'm very, very shy. If I'm in a room, it doesn't matter, Brad, that we've owned each other for years. It the first time we get into the room, you have to understand that will casually go move to a corner of a wall and just wait for someone to say hi. I just I'm shy.

0:39:54

So when I first got into public relations, I was both to graduate, I knew that they told me, like, the best way to get a job is to network it. Great. So what I did was I built myself a little business card with a resume on the back. And I had a spot on the front, so I had my contact information on the front and a little spot where it's like you met me at. And what would happen is I would go to a luncheon and I would be talking to someone and they'd be like, oh, do you have a business card? I'm like, absolutely. I'd get it out with my little pen and said, you met me at the I ABC luncheon on March thirteenth. And then I would manage them. And they'd look at it and they'd be like and I have my picture on it because I want them to remember me. And then they turn around and there's a resume of my skills and qualifications.

0:40:38

Do you know how many times I'd have people call me and say, hey, you know web design. Right? Yeah. I do. And that's that's it. That's is building it. So letting people know what you are available for What am I good at? And this is a thing with marketing whether you have a business or not. Let people know what you're good at because this is where opportunities come into play. Right? Strut. Celebrate yourself. Because and also celebrate what you need help in. Right? I'm gonna be going out. I'm I'm looking for opportunities like this where we have podcasts and we have conversations and we have salons and we have summits, I'm gonna be looking for those opportunities this year. I'm gonna keep repeating I put it out last week, no one replied.

0:41:27

That's okay. Right? One post on social media does not make putting does not equal and ask. No. People and ask. Right? So now it's like I'm gonna go on different platforms. Hey. Does anyone know or does anyone wanna have a conversation with me? Because I want to have more conversations with people about asking and receiving for help, about communities, about communal marketing. I wanna talk with these topics.

0:41:50

Being able to put that out there gives people that it's that frame of reference, and they might have to see it seven to twenty two times. But when someone says, hey, I need to interview somebody. I've got a cancellation. You know someone who might be able to step in and have a conversation? They're gonna say, you know what? Marissa. Here's Marissa's contact information. Right? That's receiving help.

0:42:15

Putting it out there and letting people know that you have things that you need, that you have to give, that you want to be a part of, and saying it over and over and over again. Even if it feels exhausting for you, you have said it ten thousand times, but someone else is hearing it for the first time, or someone else is really registering it for the first time. Let's be honest. For a lot of us, that's the case. And we can't be blamed for it, and we're all in the same boat. Our attention is shot. It takes more time to notice. It's just a fact. And so you have to make more asks Yeah. I mean, I talk to you almost every day, every second day at least, and there's still a new stop. You're like, oh, this was on my Facebook. I'm like, what? I never saw phrase. Let me go look. Right? All the time -- Mhmm. -- and Facebook knows I like you. I see a lot of your post. You're in my favorites. That doesn't mean I see all of your posts. That's right. That's right. And we see each other in community, like I said, every second day or so, every day. And there's still things that we're like, oh, really? Like and that when we come in the place of, like, that versus prior hates me, because she doesn't know about this one thing that I put out on Facebook at midnight on Tuesday. Okay.

0:43:41

One thing that I do wanna touch on in terms of receiving, because we haven't really addressed this at all. What do you do when the offer for help is not genuine? Give me an example. I think the best place I see this come up is within families of origin -- Okay. -- where an offer for help carries straints. Okay. Yeah. This is where that reciprocity kind of -- Right. -- spirk me because it's like, if I do this for you well, okay. And let's talk about this. I I okay.

0:44:25

Not just in family, but I have seen where people have careers in business. In business where it's like, well, I referred somebody to you last year's house. Why aren't you referring people to me? You know, or, like, I like all your post. How come you don't like mine? All of these things that, like, you know, these these false again, it's false, reposs rep prosody. Even, like, while I gave you this free download, so I should be able to email you for the rest of your life. Like, those kind of expectations of reciprocity to me are horrible. I think we should have reciprocity with consent and just because you do something nice for me doesn't mean I have to do something nice for you back. These are where like, this is where it's, like, the conditional, like, that conditional love. Right? So if prior, if if you say you're you have a flat tire and I come over and I help you change your flat tire, Do I hold that against you? Do I do I remind you that I came over and I did that higher.

0:45:31

And and we see this a lot with, like, we'll just say white folks, where it's, like, Well, I was nice to somebody once so I can't be racist, or I was nice to somebody once so I can't be a that person. All of these kind of like you'll see when people are I have daughters. Yeah. Yeah. And so when you say things like you know, when you say yeah. I have daughters. Like, I understand, Elizabeth. When you say things like that, when you when you say, well, here, this isn't working for me. And then they start to rattle off their resume of things that contradict the experience you're having.

0:46:14

We know that we have have reciprocity. We have unconcented to reciprocity. Right? We have we have we know that. We know that we have these kind of situations happening all the time. These power situations. I will always say this. If I do something nice for you, I I don't have a mental checklist. I'm not the same those other people. There's a lot of people out there with a mental checklist. If you find that somebody is holding up that this checklist that you didn't know where they had done all of these things for you, and now you're expected to bring in the favor. It's okay to to not have that person in your life. Okay? Now I have I have given money to people who said that they would pay it back and they didn't. Yes. I could be like, hey, you get you know, I did this for you.

0:47:10

I had one person unfriend me after I I gave them a a lot of money. We were very good friends. We are neighbor we are a block apart. Her kids used to go to my house all the time. We used to do all this stuff. She got into a bind. I end up loaning her a bunch of money. And at some point, she unfriended me. On Facebook and stopped talking to me. And I was like, oh, it's not I have to, like, I have to end that. Like, I have to I have to mentally sever that as well because it's like I that money's gone. Okay? I did that because that person was in a bind. And, yeah, it would have been great to be paid back, but I I had to give it because I was able to give it. Does that make sense?

0:47:52

And this goes for all kinds of help. If you're giving help with the with the need to have it returned, then we're creating unhealthy, we're unhealthy systems of reciprocity. Okay? So it's like, I'm gonna give you my ten dollars today, but this is the only ten dollars I have. I need to have this ten dollars back by Friday. You you can't give it.

0:48:15

This goes for buying coaching. Okay? If you are trying to join a ten k program and you don't have ten k just hanging out in your bank, really fun. Like, just be like, I got nothing doing. I'm just gaining interest. Don't don't do it. Okay? Because you are now expecting that coaching to bring a return that isn't guaranteed. And can't be guaranteed. If you are hiring Facebook ad support, and they say we're guaranteeing a ten x return or you don't pick don't just don't. Okay? Just don't. There's a clause in that contract somewhere. If you're about to do afterpay and it says you don't pay any interest for six months, please read the contract because you probably have to read pay the whole six months of interest that you didn't pay for six months on the date of the six months. Okay?

0:49:10

So these are things that we need to, like, start there's these unhealthy systems of reciprocity. If you don't have it to give, please don't give it. If you can't give it and let go and hope that it never comes back or like or or need it to come back, Cool. But if you go and you're like, I absolutely need this money to come back to me because I don't have the ability to no. And again, for me personally, this is about receiving first in before I give. If if my cup isn't full, then I can't give without expectation. So, this is something you have to look at personally, but I think it's really important to make note of when you ask for help -- Yeah. -- are you now obligated to return the favor? Is there some checkbox system because -- Yeah. -- that's not the foundation of a good relation. Relationship? No. And and receiving help really should be unconditional. It's it's that's the best way.

0:50:23

But I will say this. People who are poor, tired, exhausted, oppressed are like the biggest givers. I have done fundraisers for folks, and people have donated. And I have said, you do not have that five dollars. You do not have that ten dollars. I'm like, just wanna give. And I'm like, no. Like, please. No. I I was just at the store today and this young girl came up and she's like, hey, I have a weird favor and I was like, okay.

0:50:58

She's like, There's no because everything's self checkout now. There's nobody at the tail. And she's like, I don't have any I I would like this pack of gum. I don't have enough money on my debit and I have two dollars and seventy five. I will give you the coin if you could just because it's three dollars. Right? And I was like, please take this three dollars of gum and go forth and chew. Like, save your and she's like, no. No. No.

0:51:21

And I'm like, listen. I'm gonna tell you this right now. Always have twenty dollars in your pocket. Okay? Always have enough for a call. I mean, we don't have this we have pay phones every once in a while. You'll see a pay phone, but, like, I was my mom would always say, always have enough for a phone call.

0:51:37

But always have twenty bucks in your pocket and you don't spend it. You just keep it there because there's gonna be a time. It's not gum, but it's gonna be a time where you suddenly need to like pay a tab to get home. And she's just like, I'm just I'm just like, unsolicited advice from a stranger. But you're gonna keep that two dollars in study sense. You're gonna go to that gum. And I want you to think where you can go get twenty bucks to put in your wallet behind everything else that you're not ever gonna spend. Because just walking around with two dollars and seventy five cents and nothing on your debit card scares the heck out of me, and I'm not even your relative. Okay? And she's like, I I hear you. I'm like, yeah. I'm like, go forth child. You know, like, be in the world and know it because that's the thing. Right? That's still taking care of yourself. Having that twenty bucks, having that you know, having that but Well, I I will say it is easier to have this mindset about it when you personally have been there.

0:52:39

A lot of people have just never had those kinds of experiences with poverty or lack and I get that. And also, money and help are two different currencies, but you can be just as deficient in the currency of health. Absolutely. You can have a ton of money and not have any support. That's correct. You can have you can be and and you can have a ton of friends And and this is where we see actually in a lot of rich cases.

0:53:17

Right? We're we're suddenly something happens to someone and then your whole society and your friends group basically alienate you because, like, you're no longer part of their whatever expectations. And this is where I come back expectations. We started this. Right? It's the expectations. So, again, I'll I'll just keep saying this. Find the network of people who are real find the network of people who have, like, two or three or four of of different have two plumbers on your friends list. Well, you know, and find out what they need too. Right? Because you're the whole thing, even we talk about mentorship, you're not ready for a mentor unless you know what you can give to the mentor.

0:54:02

I always say people like, I think I wanna get a mentor. Like, oh, absolutely. What what would you what do you have to give it to the mentor? I haven't ever said, that's not how it works, Marissa. The mentor is going to, you know and and I might pay them. I'm like, no. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. It's not money in this case. I I'm I'm this is I'm sitting with this because recently through the NASDAQ milestone program signed up for a mentor lovely guy, really very excited about the potential of this relationship.

0:54:35

And what I have to give him isn't much, but in fact, it's everything I know about accessibility, which happens to be a thing that he does in his startups. So while I'm gaining I feel a lot from this relationship because he's going to introduce me to people and groups and things that I would not have had access to four. Yeah. I feel confident in this relationship because he's gonna get a lot from me. Yeah. And that's an interesting thing because even if he wasn't in the if he say say he was a person who and this happens, even though we're we're always still shock when we hear about it.

0:55:28

But, you know, people who have never had to consider accessibility before. So say they sign up to be a mentor, and then you come into the pick picture and you're like, hey, there's several possibilities in your business. You know, you could give them tips, but actually, The best thing you can do is even in the form of your business. So while they're mentoring you in your business, you can say that's a great idea. How would it look if we included accessibility in there? And now what you have given them is an opportunity for them to do what they do best and problem solve and figure things out through their lens. Right? So that's where we've avoided what we give to other people because we're not we don't realize that even when we challenge other people were giving them something. Mhmm. Okay?

0:56:12

When people come in and stump me in the catalyst, she loves it. Y'all. Nothing makes her happier. Yeah. I have to go research something for like a week Yes, please. You know, and I love going in, like, figuring that out. I don't have a Shopify store. I learn I'll learn everything about a Shopify We have a member who sells penis shaped lipsticks. This week, I went and figured out all the ways that you can get on Google shopping listings without, you know, getting your handslapped or getting your shop shut down. I will do that. I don't have a need for that in my life, but man, that was interesting. Also, now my ads are very pressing. Oh, I'm sure your ads are Such a gift. Such a gift was given to me. Right?

0:57:06

So knowing that, knowing what you have to give and and in in that relationship when you are asking for help, this is what I think is actually crucial. When you are asking for help, you are still giving something. And it's not hassle and chaos and pain. It's not pizza on moving day. Okay? It is the opportunity for people to be in community with you. It's the opportunity for people to be challenged. It's the opportunity for people to use their skills. It's the opportunity for people to feel like they are doing something as well for other people. It is opportunities for them to develop leadership. It is opportunities for them to get experience.

0:57:47

And so if you're not asking for help. If you're not saying I need help, I need to be out there, you are also impeding others. Because they don't they didn't get that chance to do that with you. See, it's an exchange It's a gift, and you have to know it. You have to know what it is. Mhmm. And the more that you're okay with that exchange and giving of yourself in non material ways. Yeah. It relieves that burden feeling. Mhmm. Right? And it and it and it starts to relieve that rejection sensitive because you're just, like, Oh, it's okay. They don't currently need what I have to give them or they aren't able to help. That's okay. Because I have the ability to to find other ways. And if you don't know, ask somebody even how can I ask for help? Okay? That's the best thing too is going You you right.

0:58:52

If you don't know what the questions to ask for help are, then that should be the first question. How do I ask for help. Yeah. If I were if I were to do this, what should I be asking? And who should I be asking? Put that out to your network. Right?

0:59:09

You know, we have a member in the cows right now that's moving into startup space. And, you know, it's like who do they need to talk to in order to find out what that group needs without going to that group first? Yeah. That was the first step. Right? And and these are these are things that we look at.

0:59:29

These are things that we need to start to because if we just stay if we just stay isolated, if we just stay in that mentality, that I have to do it all myself, we're gonna lose you. We're gonna lose you. And I I don't wanna lose anyone. I don't wanna lose anyone anymore. You know? I want everybody we need voices. We need this diversity. We need you. If you're listening to this, we need you. Okay? We need you to be here. And if there's a way, if you're listening to this, we don't I don't know you. And it's okay. Just be like, hey, Marissa, I saw you on prayers. I don't know how to ask for help. Start there. Okay. Where can they do that? Create the rules dot com. Hello at create the rules dot com.

1:00:17

Messaging I I'm horrible at messenger on Facebook, but you can try. I look at it once a week. So what are we gonna be talking about next week? I think next week, we need to talk about that reciprocity a little bit more. I think we need to start examining how to recognize when recaprocity has been expected from us. People have set us in situations where they have done things for us or they've That's a really important thing. I know how to get out of it. Right. Mhmm. Okay. Thank you. This has been amazing.

1:01:03

Y'all thank you so much for watching today. And you can find more of the catalyst specifically, my affiliate link is briar harvey dot com slash catalyst. If you would like to join us in there, because you can always ask for help in there. Even when there is no one in there, sometimes I just kinda go in and talk to myself in the void. And honestly, it's not awful. Or if you put it in the chat -- Right. -- and come back. Girl up. Yeah. Come on, Will. Be like, I'll call this in the chat. What's this about? Thank you so much for being here today, y'all.

1:01:43

This has been the neurodiversity media network. If you were not subscribed, that's neurodiversity media network dot com. We would love to have you join us. We have podcast live streams, transcripts every single day during the week, come and find us, and we will talk to you soon. Briar? What? You didn't ask for help though. Oh, it didn't ask for help. Okay. Why should they join neurodiversity media network? Okay. Here's the thing. Right? I'm gonna give the spiel. Feel full of things.

1:02:21

Flyer is doing some really good work here. Okay? We recognize that there's many voices out there that are not getting heard, and we are constantly at a state of trying to be in the algorithm, algorithm. And then there's just people who just have never been asked. Okay? Briar is going out and actually asking people to be a part of her neurodiversity meeting at work so that their ideas, their voices, their collaborations, and their cocreations are getting out into the world. But she needs your help. Briar needs your help. Okay? Because this is essentially a full time job. Okay? So in order for Briar to do the work, in order for Briar to also get support to help do the work because it is hard work, being able to take the podcast, do all the audio stuff, do all the putting together, putting it on subset, getting the marketing out there, prior needs help as well.

1:03:08

So what we're doing here is we're doing a membership drive. We are actively asking you to consider joining the Substack and paying for an annual membership. Ryer is looking at about two thousand members. With two thousand members at how much is it per year? Twenty it's three hundred per year, twenty five dollars a month. Okay. So for three hundred dollars a year or twenty five dollars a month, if we get two thousand people who are contributing to this, not only are we elevating the voices of, I don't know, potentially hundreds of people as Briar goes out, and finds the folks that we need to be listening to. But we are actually creating a job, we're creating a source of income, a living, for two people. And that means that we are actually doing what community does best. So if you got three hundred back if you got a you got a whole couple bags of pop cans hanging out, go take them in, you know you know just consider just putting up a Starbucks for a couple weeks, you know, we're gonna drink Folgers for a little bit for three hundred dollars a year. We can be a part of making sure that Briar can do this full time, which means that she's taken care of. She has a support person that's also creating a living. And that's what we're looking at. Two thousand people.

1:04:24

If you can't do that right now, the best thing you can do is comment on these. You can go share it. You can share the sub sub stack. You can put it out into your, you know, your social media, being able to participate and create engagement on these posts help spread it organically, and that's the best thing that we can do. So help raise a I adore you. Yeah. The time is now. The time is now. We have this possibility of actually impacting someone that we know and that we see making a difference. And it's it's possible. So if you can share, engage on these posts, bring yourself into the conversations, contact writer, find out how you can help share the neurodiversity media network. And the best thing, go subscribe. Go be a paid member. And be a part of the conversations that are happening over on Substack. Thanks everybody. Love you. We'll see y'all soon. Bye.