0:00:04 - Marissa
Briar and I are in exceptional form today, and I admit that it's 100% my fault.
0:00:10 - Briar
It is 100% Marissa's fault. Are you ready?
0:00:16 - Marissa
Yeah, briar, we've been talking about asking for and receiving help and see, briar often asked me for help creating visuals because I just go and I make this weird thing and we get around any kind of executive dysfunction that Briar has about making images. And then I said, you know what I can really help Briar by making something that she would never, ever ask for. So last week Briar was a participant in the Catalyst Connect profitable operations and she started off her epic epic presentation with a phrase And the phrase was so good that I had to do this. I have cats. I have cats.
And I feel like I have raised my own bar of how much I can help you. And if that didn't get you dancing and hopping, tell me, because I that'll take that as a challenge and I will. I will keep creating. I am thinking about doing a meditation version where you just zone out to you and you're aspirational I have cats, i have cats. Welcome to unlearning how to ask for help, where maybe you will think twice about asking me for help because I might turn your random phrases into the dance hit of the summer, the summer jam.
0:02:34 - Briar
Hello y'all. So I like completely her flummoxed over here, but we were which I guess it's a good way to start this because we were supposed to be talking about the negative effects of asking for help.
0:02:53 - Marissa
You might not know what you're going to get.
0:02:56 - Briar
You might not know what you're going to get, and I'm not going to define this as a negative effect personally, but if I were someone else, it might have been.
0:03:10 - Marissa
Maybe see what happened. Is you asked me to make you into flat briar, which is like a variation, i remember.
And I was like it was hard for me because I was like Briar is not flat, there's nothing flat about Briar. Briar has so many levels like not just 3D, 40, 70, 80, 80 is Briar, and all of that I'm like I just don't. I don't think I can do it. So, you know, i had to put in some beats, i had to put in a little little, you know, just to make sure that you knew and that everyone else knew. there was nothing flat about Briar.
0:03:51 - Briar
So one of the things that we said that we were going to talk about was what happened if you asked for help and it was not properly reciprocated. This is, i guess, as good an example as any, because I did, in fact, ask for a flat Briar and.
0:04:22 - Marissa
I got cats And you got dance hit of the summer, the summer jam. The reason why people will be on the dance floor this summer is Okay but what am I supposed to do about flat?
0:04:36 - Briar
Briar Marie said.
0:04:37 - Marissa
Here's the thing, briar.
So sometimes we ask and this is like a little bit of a pet peeve of mine, but like we'll ask for help and then you'll get something completely different back And sometimes it's just like it's actually kind of malicious.
Sometimes people are like, oh, you want to ask for help, this is what I'm going to give you, and that is we're going to put that into a bucket and talk about it in a second. But sometimes, when we ask for help, people go, oh, and they want to help, so bad, but they don't have the resources or the skills or the time in order to do exactly what you asked. And so in their mind they're like what if I do this tiny bit of it, or if I do something that's sort of like it? You know, we play that little game of like same Z's And it can be really hard because in the moment, depending on how you're asking for help or what the circumstances are, like the tornado is coming through and you're asking for water, and people are like I am going to send you 10,000 stuffies, all the teddy bears that you need, because you lost your home.
0:05:41 - Briar
So this is, you're not wrong here. Clothing donation is often something that happens in emergency situations, to the tune that Red Cross will no longer accept clothing donations, because clothes aren't the thing that you need.
0:06:01 - Marissa
No, we need hotel rooms, we need food, we need money, we need to be able to go and try and find a boat to go find our dog, who's out there somewhere strung, like there's those things, right. But people are well-meaning and they're like you know what They need my garbage, bag of clothes that I've got here that I have not sent to Goodwill, and you know what. This is a great opportunity because I'm going to feel good, because I'm going to know who it's going to and it's going to feel good to me. So I'm going to do that. And then when you say, no, that's not actually the help people are like well, then, maybe you shouldn't ask for help if you don't need help.
Okay, so there's that. There's that side of it. Then there is the malicious side of it. So there's the well-meaning, you know where, like I think this is what you need instead of what you asked for. And then there's the malicious side where it's like it's okay, i'll help you. So it comes out in two ways Okay, i'll help you this time And they're storing that to use next time you ever F up or they need something, or they'll purposely do it wrong just to be like well, you know you didn't and those are. Those are people you just want to steer clear of, even if you are related to them, you know, even if you got a burst of a kit with their name, just you know it's just don't ask them for help because it's just not worth your time and energy.
Okay, and I know it feels like sometimes that's all you got, but there's other, there are other avenues and there are people who can help you brainstorm the other avenues as well.
But there are times when you know and we see this a lot in like business circumstances or colleagues you might go to a mentor or somebody who has, is really well connected and is like listen, i need your help. I really have a really great idea or great products and I want to get it in front of your audience. Or I want to do this And I got a really good, a really good example here of you where it was like really frustrating, trying to get my pointer cross, and you're like here's what I can do for you, blah, blah, blah. And the person's like I can't do that, but I can do this And it's not the right thing. And then you feel because you, because you asked for help, and they're giving it and you don't want to ruin any future relationships you take what they offer and then they get in and they go with that And there's some interesting things that can happen. But let me give you an example. So you and I both love Notion You more than me.
0:08:18 - Briar
Yes, definitely.
0:08:19 - Marissa
So I recently saw that Notion was on as a member benefit for another organization. I'm like, oh, this is great, i'm going to mess. I went and found Notion's partner email and I said, hey, i have a growing community of business owners. We regularly use Notion with them. I would love people to offer them a member price to Notion. Now they have like an affiliate program. So I'm like this is easy, i can forfeit my affiliate fee to pass along the savings to the members. So their first email well, so, first of all, two months later I get an email back and is like oh, do you need to know how to share a document on Notion here? Notion's built for collaboration. I'm like, no, sorry, it was probably a mistake, and they have like a lovely tutorial. I'm like, no, just a mistake. I have a member organization. I'm looking to offer a Notion price to members. So then it got passed to somebody else and that person was like oh, currently we only give discounts to startups, education, nonprofits. Are you one of those? I'm like, so I might have startups in my audience. I'm like I'm a member organization and I would like to offer them a member discount. I'm like, oh, we can't do that. I'm like oh well, you have an affiliate program, so is there a way that we can actually just and I'm like I've seen you do this on other things So is there a way that we can just forfeit my affiliate dollars? And I tried to explain it out. Still ongoing, i'll update everybody to see how it goes.
But I thought it was really interesting because I thought I was pretty clear. I wasn't in five emails. I'm still not. I don't think I'm fully clear to them, right? That's not, that's on me, okay. So what I should have done is I should have, instead of just sending off a quick email, i actually should have gone and said here's some backgrounder, here's an opportunity where you and I can both partner. Here's what I actually need from you. Do you have an ability to give me a special link that I can offer my members that gives them the amount off that you would have normally paid me an affiliate, so that I can pass along that savings to my members?
What this does for notion is and it outlines the benefits to notions That's how I could have asked for help, okay, but I didn't. I'm just saying that, okay, i'm going to go back to them and be like listen, let's start over, let's erase all these five emails. How do we work together? Because this is something we're going to keep using in the catalyst. So it's something that I feel really strongly about being able to do, and now I've also learned, right. Oh, i got to be more clear when I asked for help. I also have to outline how I want that person to participate with me, what the capacity is both on my side and what I hope that the capacity is on their side, and then what the outcome and the benefit would be for both of us, because that's the reality. Even when we're in help, there is a benefit to the other person who is helping us. Even in our most dire straits, there is a benefit, there's a ripple effect.
0:11:20 - Briar
And we have talked about that at length. I think the issue here for people is what do I do when I don't get the help back that I need from you? What's my strategy here? Do I continue to negotiate with notion, Or do I pick up my ball and take it over to click up or Trello and say, Hey, right.
0:11:49 - Marissa
Yeah, oh my God, or maybe I do that both right. I mean, that's going to be really depending on you and your own energy level and your own ability to do this. Sometimes we can't. I mean, i am used to people not understanding me. I have a whole lifetime of experience of people being like What do you want to do? What's this idea you have? Has this economy ever succeeded anywhere else in the world so I can compare what I know to that country and see if I think it's valuable to implement? Yeah, i get it, but you have to kind of go. What is it worth to me right now? Why is this really important for me to get this help right now? It's really important for me to start building member benefits that are outside the room. The reason why is because, as people are coming on to their second and third year in the catalyst, their need for a membership changes And we want to change with them. We want to be able to offer a variety of member services. So it's really important to me And it's really important to me that Notion catches up with us, because I do like Notion and I like the ease of it and I like that we're already using it in our organization.
So if this is Notion, listening to this, this, go find my email. I'm going to send you back a better proposal. I'm starting over. I'm sorry, i'm going to build it in Notion. Actually, i'm going to build them an entire Notion document and I'm going to share it and I'm going to allow them to collaborate with it. I'm going to do it and I'm going to do that with other things, but now I've learned.
Right Now I've said this is actually important to me. Why is this important to me? And how will I know I'm being served, how will I know I'm being helped? And I think this is really an interesting thing too, because, again, when we get that situation where someone gives us some help, a little bit of help, and to them it feels like they're helping and we have to make the decision whether to say yes or no, and there's always that thing if I say no right now, they'll never help me again.
We talk about this a lot. If I say no to this person right now, will they never come back? Yeah, that's a possibility, absolutely. We can't control everybody else's reactions to our responses. We can't control, but I'll tell you something. If they like, that's it. That was their last ability to help us. That's okay. We probably are ready to go and find other sources of help. Okay, we do, we're ready for that. So part of it is really knowing why it's important to you. What does it feel like when you're being helped? How do you know when you're actually being served? The other side of it is do you have boundaries around being helped as well? This is important because, too, sometimes, when you ask for help, i need a flat briar and I'm like okay, and then I give you the summer hit anthem of the summer, which is apparently called.
0:14:39 - Briar
I Have Cats.
0:14:41 - Marissa
I Have Cats by Briar I actually titled by Briar and Marisa. I figure we could just go. we could go.
0:14:48 - Briar
We need a better band name than that, but it's fine.
0:14:51 - Marissa
Yeah, i mean, what if we get booked for like a festival? It's just me dancing on the side right And you just standing there without holding a cat like the best act, but for other people that might be really offensive. I took a gamble. Basie's like do you know she's doing? I'm like no, but I'm willing to bet this will make her laugh. And the reality is is that I built on our relationship knowing that, but someone else could be deeply offended that I put a clip of their presentation to a really catchy beat and was proud of it. Okay, i know that.
0:15:31 - Briar
There are risks involved in helping people in the ways in which we didn't ask for their help.
0:15:39 - Marissa
Yeah, and I think there you'll hear this too like there's always a mother-in-law somewhere in the world going well, i tried to help them but they said no, you know, in that exact same tone of voice, right, there's a mother-in-law out there right now saying this and then being offended that their help of whatever they thought was you know that tuna casserole when the baby's diaper needs to be changed, like those kind of things are all the time. Again, be okay with saying thank you, but no, i did have a friend pass away and her family was inund, which I know this sounds amazing And to me I'd be like wow, okay, but her family was inundated with about 67 casserole dishes.
0:16:25 - Briar
Oh my God, where do you even put all of those?
0:16:28 - Marissa
And their daughters are both celiac. I was telling you one of those was edible for them. Now they have 66 dishes of inedible food in people's containers. Okay, so glass dishes, whatever You can't just like. If I've given food, i've given it in a dish I don't need back. Okay, because now they have the additional burden of doing that And they had to make sure like they had to make sure that, like there's no cross contaminations.
They had to get rid of all of it. And then you know and like. Then they feel bad And then they're like does anybody want these casserole? Like, and of course, they couldn't put it publicly, because all these people on their Facebook had had, could see. They're like does anyone want a casserole? Right, and it was just like one of those things where I was like Oh no, it's the teddy bear, it's the teddy bear, right. We thought this is what people needed.
Instead, we can still do that, but we can. We can give like donations to like food, like a door dash or a skip. The dash is to keep, you know, a gift card that they can just use when they, when they need it. We can give a gift card to house cleaning services that they get to choose when to use it. They're not just showing up at their door Right These things that where it's like it's more stressful for them to get rid of the help or deal with the help Right Now. Part of that is our own, when we are the ones giving help, is our own ability to see where our help was not the right thing for that person and not take it personally because it really has nothing to do with us. Consent matters, consent matters even in giving help. You know, is this the best way I can help you right now? No, i absolutely need this. Okay, i'm not available to do that right now. I'm so sorry, and that's it.
0:18:15 - Briar
Or I'm not available to do that right now, but I know someone who might be. there are so many ways to redirect help, i think.
0:18:27 - Marissa
Yeah, i mean sometimes it's like can I get on the phone and see who you know? can I just call around for you? Can I see who is available? You can do that if you have time. But also keep in mind that it might not be right for you to do that either. And now you've promised yourself I am a horrible following up. I can't do that for people. I do that. And then I'm like, oh shit, now we're both in trouble. Right, because they were counting on me for that, because I did offer that.
So the other side of it, too, is making sure that the people who you ask for help actually are able to help and they're not just helping you because they feel bad or they feel because now you've built up a block in your relationship. And I will 100% admit I have avoided people for a few years now who I helped when I wasn't, when I shouldn't have helped, and part of it is because I can't, like I don't want them to be like, thank you know, like I don't want them to talk about it. I don't want them because I don't want to. I don't want to accidentally show That it actually hurt me. You know, i don't want them to have to be the burden of that. I should have been in better at the time of saying I'm not able to do this right now.
0:19:40 - Briar
You know, and I think this is part of the learning process, and why people struggle with asking and then receiving help right.
0:19:55 - Marissa
Yeah, yeah. And then I hear that too, and I hear myself say that and I think of all the times I've stopped myself asking for help too, because I don't want people to feel obligated to help me. You know what I mean. Like I don't want them to feel obligated, i want them to be able to do it Genuinely. We were talking the day there used there was this really interesting internet phenomenon when, oh, i say, like 1999, 1998 could be even earlier but uh, a person sent around so you got this like one page website forwarded to you and all it was was the person's feet and legs and it said hi, i'm a 19 year old I can't remember all the details like I'm a 19 year old woman who got herself into a lot of debt, or 24, i think. She was like 24 got herself into a lot of debt and I can't get out and things are getting dire and I'm hoping that if anyone who sees this is able to just donate one dollar, i can get out of debt. And I remember someone forwarded to me and I was like oh wow, completely anonymous, we didn't know who they were, we didn't know that really the experiences of why they were in debt. It was just a ask and it was like you could make the decision in a minute if you had a buck, and some people did and some people didn't, and years later I think she ended up writing a book about it and admitting to it that it was her. But her debt got paid quick, quickly, right, and it's this kind of communal help. The burden wasn't necessarily on everyone and there's gonna be people that goes. That's not my responsibility, it was her fault.
Well, we, we all, get into debt for various reasons. Some of it are fault, some of it's medical, some of it's we're caregiving other people, sometimes it's mental health. Like we have to stop judging. Sometimes people buy a freaking amazing car. I'm not. I'm just gonna say this out there. We have to stop judging why people get into debt and we have to start thinking about what, what is the toll on our society when people get into these, these points where they can't get out of it, okay, and what is the work that we can do and how do we share it so that the burden isn't on one or two people to save people?
and this is I'm using this as a very high level example, but this is like every day right, we had a bridge here that it's it's like over 100 years old. Um, somebody had this idea that maybe we could put these like light bulbs that last like 100 years on there and we could light them up and change the colors and it could be like this kind of fun thing in their river valley. City was like nope, we can't afford that. So they arranged a fundraiser. We bought two bulbs. It was I think it was like 10 bucks, like it wasn't anything up. We lit the night up and it was like in a in a couple weeks. It was easy to do.
There were people out there who still complained about it. You know, oh, this is my tax money going to that electricity. And it's like okay, you're, here's your two cents back. I'm gonna give you your two cents because it's exactly with a portion of your taxes that goes to lighting this all year round. So here you go. Where do you need right here? oh, we don't even have pennies, so I'll I'll tell you what I'll pay you for the next 10 years in advance and let me know how it works out for you, right?
part of the burden here is that of fault, that of responsibility, right, and that so much of why we don't ask for help is because we don't want to hear that bullshit yeah, and I think you know I come up with a phrase like nourish the risk takers a lot, and that actually came from a situation where, in our maker community, somebody had an incredible event talked about it earlier in this is incredible event event and through no fault of their own, they were unable to have their space. It got cut off short. So of course, they couldn't continue this market and people were like I want to, even though I made a whole bunch of money, i want my, i want to refund because the full fulfillment wasn't there. Well, this person was also out money right, and so I basically said to this group listen, you can be mad at this person, but it's not their fault. And two, if you ask for a refund now, you have now limited their ability to do the next event and the next event and the next event. And the reality is you still made more money than you would have you hadn't been in this and they were probably under charging what they could have for you to participate in this. So is it worth more for you to get $200 back or is it worth more to you to make 10,000, 15,000, 20,000, 30,000? in the next time, the next time, in the next time we're gonna nourish the risk takers.
But the but they, the person who's taking the risk. It's on them, right? and so part of the thing is that we look at as we go. Well, someone wants to start a business. That's their fault, right? if they didn't know how much it cost to run a business, that's their fault. I am going to tell you, we don't know the cost of doing anything in our life. We don't know the cost of having a baby. We don't know the cost of being an adult. We don't know the cost of, you know, driving a car. Like the whole thing is really dependent on so many ever-changing factors that we can't control there are no actuarial tables for any of this kind of stuff we got projections, we got hypotheses.
We do not have any exacts. Okay, cost of business goes up and down all the time. Be a be somebody who makes books for a living. I always say this like if you're not watching the up and down costs of paper on an ongoing basis and realize how much the stuff changes every day. You go to the grocery store and you're like this is roughly the same price. I don't know about you, but here in Canada our groceries are now moving to digital price tags wow.
0:25:38 - Briar
No, that's not a thing we have here yet, but I can't understand why yep, so a penny here, five cents there, ten cents there.
0:25:51 - Marissa
You're going to start to pay variable costs on your goods. Okay, because the cost of business is changing every day. Cost of freight changes every day, cost of water change, all of this kind of stuff. So when you say to someone, well, you made this decision and now it's your responsibility, so part of it we have to look at. You know, there's recent events that we won't refer to in this because they're recent events, but people made decisions that impacted themselves. That's one thing. But when you impact hundreds of people with your decisions, you have to look at it. Is it good or bad? like, what are we doing here?
I look at some of these things that people are doing in their business. They are creating incredible opportunities for people. They're creating incredible shifts, incredible changes. We see it all the time in the catalyst. They can't do it alone, right, if I can show up on a Thursday afternoon and and help them just one little bit and they go out and it's a lot easier. There's a ripple effect, right. But they have to be really good at asking me, well, for what they need.
Okay, because there are so many ways to do stuff and so we practice that in the catalyst. It's like what do you need right now? you've just said this are we looking just for event? are we looking for problem solving? if you're looking for problem solving, are you looking for something you can implement today or something that you want to work on as a longer term thing? and we have to practice that, okay, because our brain doesn't always think about those things. We just need help right now.
Okay, so part of it feels urgent. Right, it's pant. We're in panic mode like all the time even we don't have a shark coming at us ready to eat us. We're in panic mode all the time we don't have a panther sitting over our shoulder thinking we're snack. We are still in panic all the time because we've built a world of crap, you know, of pressure, of expectation of labor, of value through labor.
Okay, so we're always in a panic, but we can practice going through this and asking for what we really need and checking in and giving yourself time to check in, like, i've just got this thing. I got to get it off my chest and I know that I haven't eaten today and I know that I've had more coffee than I should have, so it might sound erratic and I'm just gonna say this blah, blah, blah, blah. Okay, now, what's next? I just need to say that okay, cool, that's help. Right, that's asking for help.
Somebody was able to listen and witness that. I had this moment. I had a small tantrum, whatever, or no, i actually need to fix this because I'm not able to pay rent in three days. Right, okay, cool, what do you have? you know, what resources do you have? what other forms of help do you have? right? a lot of times, people will come to one person and expect that they're gonna solve the whole thing for them. Doesn't work like that either, because now we've put the burden of help on one person as opposed to spreading it around and I think part of the issue here is the ways in which people keep score yeah, yeah, what do you mean?
0:29:19 - Briar
give me an example so I've been talking a lot this week with a couple of people who have terrible boundaries about the need for relationships to be transactional. I and and this is this is a difficult concept for people but Relationships are transactional. I expect to benefit from any potential Relationship that I am in long term with someone. Yeah, however, the issue becomes well, how do I not keep score?
0:30:00 - Marissa
Yeah, i mean it's hard because, like, i have like one rule for for being a friend with me and You know people will agree to at the beginning and then, when it actually happens, we, we find out right and I'm okay, being like, hey, no, no worries, not something you can do, like at the time, not something you can do. My one rule is just like, if I say something, if I make you a song And I think it's the coolest thing and you hate it and it really hurt, you just tell me right. Then Just be like, oh man, that was not cool. Or you just, whoa, you just said something that was like way at a line Or that's hurtful. Because sometimes I'm hopped up on pop rockets Okay, sometimes I'm hopped up on three days of caffeine because I didn't sleep. That's just the way my brain works. And sometimes I say really dumb shit Okay, sometimes I just say it And I'm just gonna say that. I'm gonna say this.
I'm a person. I Am that commercial where they say like, do you just need a Snickers? Yeah, i'm Joe Pesci. Okay, i'm Joe Pesci almost 80% of the time. It's kind of one of those risks you have as being for, but I'm open about it. I'm super open about it And all I say is if I hurt you, just tell me right away, because half the time I can be like fuck, that was, that was horrible.
What happens is sometimes we were like Didn't right, marisa, just say that and then your brain, your brain, fills in the cracks. Okay, two weeks later I haven't heard from you. I don't know why I haven't heard from you, because I don't even remember saying whatever I said, because it was like, you know, low blood, good, good, it was a hot, it was a pop rocket frenzy where I got a little too hopped up on sugar and not enough on sleep and I was a dick. I was just a dick, you know, and But the brain has filled in the cracks. Marisa is always a dick. Marisa really meant that Marisa thinks I'm the you know whatever right and That I can't. I can't come back from that, because now you've created a whole persona about me, but I don't even know who that is and you've created it and it's real to you, and Now you want me to apologize and make reparations and I got nothing to do with that person You've created in your mind because it's your perception of me right, because scorekeeping isn't actually about the relationship.
0:32:11 - Briar
It's about what you've decided in your head, and I think this is really important because I need to be able to measure in more than I have cat songs That we have a relationship right. I have to be able to say, hey, these are, this is how I benefit although I'm gonna be honest, i have cats Certainly does rank highly up there for me.
0:32:40 - Marissa
I need to know that I spent a week learning a tool.
0:32:44 - Briar
Right, like truly, from the depths of my heart. I am impressed by how much effort you have put into this, but I'm not right right, four hours this morning, you know right and Knowing those things Doesn't change that Any standard or scorekeeping is internal. It's, it's. It's a it's a creation of my own.
0:33:18 - Marissa
Yeah, and, and speaking of creation, we've talked with us on previous episodes where people will do things for you, for your benefit, that you didn't even know they were doing right and Not doing it out of the goodness of their hearts. I fully, 100%, 300%, believe in doing acts of kindness that no one knows. I did Because I hate reciprocity. If I want you to just have an amazing day, you would have had, i mean, you would have figured out where this came from, but I would have just slid this in your inbox and you'd be like What I mean, you would have known it's for me because only me could come up with the dance hit of the summer with. I have cats, but if I was supposed to like, say, for example, i went the lottery on Friday and I'm like you know what? I know that Briar, the best thing for Briar would be to have like a hundred K Just slid right into her sub-stack, sure, but I don't want you to know that I did. Oh, it'll be a different amount now because I have just told you, but it'll be a joke, you know what, and I'm gonna try my best, but I will be some way something I'm not gonna tell you. I did it and the reason why is good, i don't want you feel like you have to do, like do something back. I just want you to just enjoy that hundred K, build this, build your media network and go have an amazing life right.
But there are people that do things and then when they have hurt you or that they expect to call in that favorite, they'll say, well, i did all this for you. We've seen this recently, you know Someone was like, well, i can't believe you have. You know, you don't like it on my posts and do all my. You know, do that on my posts and whatever. And there you know it's like why didn't ask you to comment on my post? I didn't ask you to put engagement on my post just so that you could call in a favor When you need me to now do that for you. I love how there's like a kid, we have a, we have a breach, we have a breach, but you know this is these are these real life things that that happen.
And you know, and I think what we can do is when someone has done that for us, when they have, you know Basically, but let us know that they're doing things on our behalf, you would say thank you so much for that. I never asked for it. I would like to give that back to you, that energy back to you, but not in a way that I can respond like I I'm not gonna reciprocate. I just wish you well And if it is something that you feel like you have to call in later, please don't do it anymore. Please do not give me any of your goodness. Give it to people who have asked for, who need it, and make sure you say that You know, and they might be offended, but again, it's not your, it's not your business. What they're offended about, right, because they've created that idea in their head about how you should have responded. And this is me another thing. When you've asked for help, people will score. Keep on how you respond to that help. You got mute.
0:36:07 - Briar
So what's that look like?
0:36:09 - Marissa
So this is interesting because we see it a lot too, and when people are grieving, well, i kept this person doesn't look like they're grieving or not. Even I don't know what grieving supposed to look like, because I've seen it all Upon my face. Okay, depending on what it is. Same thing with help. Okay, it's like, well, they're not very thankful, or they have it. They're not very grateful or they haven't like. And I'll give you a very personal example. My biological father held up to me for about 40 years that I never 38, that I never sent a thank-you card after my eighth birthday. Now, i didn't know him between the ages of three and eight. I met him at an family event and then, a few months later, my birthday happened and he sent me a birthday present and a card. Okay, i Did not know this person.
0:36:58 - Briar
You ate and. I was not know this person And that's in the card.
0:37:05 - Marissa
He thought about it. Okay, he thought about it so much that he mentioned it at my wedding. He thought about it so much that he mentioned it during phone calls, okay, and I was like I was eight. I'm sorry If you would like me to go write a thank-you card for you right now, because I'm an adult and I have the ability to do that. I will, just so that I don't ever have to hear this again. Right? Also, i'm an eight-year. Eight-year-old child. You sent me bubble bath. Okay, avon, avon bubble bath.
0:37:42 - Briar
It's always the MLMs with a generic cart.
0:37:45 - Marissa
Anyways, i'm gonna say this my family is gonna be like how dare you? but here's the thing He held on to that. Okay, he held on to that for a really long time and it actually in, but it ended up like impacting. I had to eventually say to him, like we are never Going to have a relation, the relationship you think we should have, because these are the things that add up. Right, you're still thinking about something I did when I was eight.
I'm thinking about surviving in my 30s, in my 20s. Like I'm thinking about being an adult. I'm trying to, like, figure out my life and you're thinking about something that happened when I was eight. This is gonna happen, right, i've set up a boundary. I just said I can't do this anymore. I can't talk about the bubble bath one more time and I get that. It's still replaying in your head and you think of this is Why we don't have a relationship as a daughter and father. But that ain't it. You right, but the actual act of me not redoing, that is. But he expected that of me, right?
0:38:40 - Briar
again, he's created an expectation of how I'm reciprocating and These standards of reciprocation are what inhibits Asking for help in other relationships absolutely, absolutely.
0:39:02 - Marissa
And it means that I've also gone, gone over the top in Trying to be grateful for other people. Okay, to to my detriment, okay, to my detriment. And that's an interesting thing, right? Because now I'm not only measuring up to your expectation to say thank you for the summer hit of the jam of the summer, but now I'm, you know, i am also living up to all my future relationships. So part of it is is having a contract with every person. I know this sounds like a lot, but it doesn't have to be right. So my it's like Brian, do you want to be my friend? Yes, okay. yeah, my only rule is that if I say dumb shit and you were hurt, you tell me right then, and there, and I'm just gonna be like fuck, i'm a dick. Does that work? Yes, hey, a year from now, we're gonna check in and make sure that's still okay, because it might not be okay a year from now, and that's okay too and This is Maurice's personal standard mine, It's so that's an interesting question.
0:40:10 - Briar
Um what?
0:40:18 - Marissa
Do you need in order? we, i know you need flat briar, but what do you need? Yeah, but what do you need in order to be friends with somebody?
0:40:26 - Briar
generally speaking, i need for you to Bring me new things. It's it's not Crow, so I can do that right. This is there is a reason that we are friends, but in fact, this is the standard for all of my relationships. I need you to bring me new and exciting things. Whether that's information, it's very rarely gifts. It needs to be something that Stimulates me in positive ways, encourages me to grow and change, and if I don't feel like you're bringing me new things, then we're gonna have to have a talk about that.
0:41:15 - Marissa
Yeah, yeah, i mean, not everyone's gonna do that, because we're like what? I don't even, i don't even read. Man, you're like that's fine, we just can't. We don't have your friends. We can be called, that's correct, we can be in our sphere, but we don't have to be confidants, we don't have to build that relationship, right? You know? same thing, like if someone comes, i said I'm a dick, and they're like oh, they took two weeks. They're like I just had to think about it, but I'm okay. Now I'm like no, because now you've just had two weeks without me And now I don't know how to act because you've now created a whole different person in your head. And then that now I can't meet it, now I can't meet what you need me to be, and so it's an ongoing contract, right, and that's okay that it doesn't always work out.
And I think some people take it really personally that somebody unfriends you or that somebody you know I had I had unfriend somebody this week and I will admit I was a dick about it, but like they're always, they just They always need help and they have never once said to me do you need any help? I'm like I can't do it, i just can't, because my feet is full of people who I do love helping but also help me, who also come to me and they're like listen, i got no money, i got no food, but I do have a really great joke that I think is gonna make you laugh. I'm like, yes, yes, because that's what I need. I need people who just gonna want to laugh at the most ridiculous. I need someone who's gonna dance with me when I made them a song.
Right, that's what I need, you know, in addition to you know, being able to like, tell me when I'm a dick. You know, and if you, if my form of dick is like, that's not horrible. My form of asshole re isn't yours, that's okay, that's marginally better. Yeah, asshole, yeah, if you can't handle the fact that I make up words all the time, there's someone else out there for you. I'm not it. We don't have to be with whoever you know, unless we're in a small town of 10 people and we got to pick one of them to Be our bestie and one of them to be our spouse. You know, we've got choices in the world. There's seven billion people in the world. Three and a half billion are active on social media every day.
0:43:27 - Briar
Find the people that give you the, the transactions that fuel you and Remember that you do have choice always and I know that feels hard when it's urgent.
0:43:42 - Marissa
Yeah, and I think sometimes it goes back to, like, you know, have we built the community when life is good or are we building community when life is shit all the time? Right, because there is that trauma bonding that we tend to like, do really well at, but like, what about? like wealth bonding? What about health bonding? What about like man, today's a great day, i'm gonna go make a friend, right. but we don't, because we're just like, oh, today's a great day, i'm just gonna enjoy it for myself. I'm gonna be there, but like, we got to start building the community when life is good To to take us better, but also when the shit fits of a real fan We've got. we've got a community, not one person, a community who can share the work And, yes, it's a bird, it's still, it's burden, it doesn't have to be a bad word. It's share the, the heaviness, share the Helping. you go through something and get to the other side. It's everybody putting in a buck and now you're debt-free.
0:44:42 - Briar
And I think a lot of what makes this work for you and I, as we grow, as we build things, is the willingness to Emphasize community and community building And community building.
0:44:58 - Marissa
Yeah, and I have spent a good chunk of my life in solitary. Um, you know, i think about like my 20s. I lived alone, i didn't have roommates and I I, you know my friends would be like do you want to go out with? you know we're going to the ledge. Do you want to come with us? I'm like, no, it was very weird. I'm like, yeah, i got a bowl of sourcrout here, i'm just gonna stay at home And they're like what? I'm like, yeah, man, it's Friday night sourcrout. Oh, like you know, whatever, i was just a weird, weird person.
But like now I look back and I go, oh Man, i really should have built friendships right, and I built community online. You know I was, i'm a fat nerd. It's just like being online. You can, you can find friends and some of it's worked out for me. You know, lacey and I have known each other for 20 Off, you know 20 off and on years and and you know, now she's a big part of my life and my business. Again, it worked out for me.
But I also need to just go out and and have community here. You know, i need to be able to reach out And I'm starting to do that again. But I wish that I hadn't gone through like 20 years of really Being alone, and the reason why I did that was just because I didn't want to be a burden on other people. I absolutely did not want to be a, and I still don't. You can ask any of my friends. They know that the worst thing I could think of is to be a burden on someone. But I also Know that they love helping me And that sometimes that's that reciprocity is. People are just like what I got. I love helping people, so why wouldn't people want to help me?
0:46:36 - Briar
I think a lot of this comes down to Choosing to believe that the universe and your community has your back, that If you expect a positive outcome, you're much more likely to see one. And that's not Wishful thinking, that's Programming your brain To expect a positive outcome.
0:47:06 - Marissa
Yeah, i mean, we're definitely we're. This isn't complicated. Co-creating and manifesting is really just asking our brain to look for the things we want to do, even those magical things that seem to have like wow, i can't believe this like circumstance. Well, you kind of told your brain to look out for those opportunities or to go and do those things. Spoiler alert And I I know that you know the universe has your back. Really popular title Gabby Bernstein's made a ton of money on it.
But We can't just be like putting out in the world like I am supported and I'm abundant and everything's coming to me because we, without we got to do the work. We got to do the work, we got to build relationships. We got to admit that sometimes we're dicks, sometimes we're the assholery in the, in the friendship, and if it's worth it to us and and I say this, i say this really sincerely If it's worth it to us like put in the work, right, put in the work I I want to make you laugh. I think you have, like I think you have a lot on your plate right now. I think you have like a ton of stuff. You didn't ask me to do this summer this song, but I thought you know, in the middle of all the stuff that you're doing to build the neurodiversity media network and bring all these people together And helping them create content, that maybe someone could do something for you, that maybe if we put it out on the interwebs It might make you viral. I'm just saying.
0:48:33 - Briar
I'm just saying But listen, even if it doesn't go viral. I, i have cats.
0:48:41 - Marissa
The video has fine cats. I'm just telling you that it might go viral. Okay, so it's just. It's the thing. So I You know, and part of that is like again, it's like if I win the lottery There's gonna be some cat. I mean, you're gonna know it's me now. Unfortunately, you won't know.
0:49:01 - Briar
You've ruined it.
0:49:03 - Marissa
I have to tell you that if you ask me something directly, i can't buy like. You'll be like, did you put that money in? I'll be like, no, i'm like. And then I'll run away like I will literally. Or I'll just be like, and then you'll be like, are you there? and I'll be like, oh sorry, my wi-fi was out. What? what happened while I was away? like I won't be able to do I won't be able to, but I do try.
I do try to do these things, and some people are like, wow, if something happened, nice, and they're I have no idea who I did it. And I'm like, like, as long as I can have no camera off, i'm fine, um, and I'll type. I'm like wow, that's really great. I'm so glad someone did that for you. You know, and and I will continue to do that. But I also want you to know that you're being seen. I want you to know that the work you're doing right now is making an impact in people's lives, and I think that's how I can help you too. Like, i think that's how I can keep reminding you Um, and you didn't ask me for this, but I think that's what you need to everyone's smiles, just to hear That you're doing good shit in the world and that I appreciate you. And I appreciate you by learning how to do synth music and then, um, make a little ditty and then put in a video together so that we can put it on the interwebs and let everybody know that you have, you have, you have that. It's just the way you're, just the way. You were just so, so inspirational, aspirational, like everybody was just filled in the room with, like I have cats, and it was just and and a deep inhale beforehand. I have cats. I mean it's honestly, i think that it is going to change people's lives.
I think people are gonna hear this and go. You know we're, this is the change. We're being the change that we want to see in the world by unleashing the briar Uh out into the world. And you are and you are doing that right. And I mean that sometimes this is like this is asking and receiving help too right. Is you're receiving this right now, whether you want to or not, i will make you receive this, uh, whether you want you're not, and sometimes that that has to happen because we are. So We have been the helper, we have been the caregiver, we have been the support system. We have been the person doing the things for other people for so long That we don't even know how to have someone else do that for us. Do you remember what happened on our first podcast when we started this?
0:51:31 - Briar
God.
0:51:31 - Marissa
No, I don't remember what I ate for lunch yesterday Wrapping it up, and I said sorry, briar, i got to interrupt you and you're like, pardon me, this is my podcast. And I was like, oh No, because you have not pitched the neurodiversity media network, you have not told them how they become a member, you have not told them how they can get a show, you have not told them how you, they can sponsor this incredible initiative. And you sat there and was like Yep, right. And then that happened, right, i had to come in there and be like sorry, ma'am, we got to take a few steps back here. Before we do the wrap-up music, we have to actually say what we're here for. We have to actually help. People know that we need their help And, by the way, we still need your help, because we're building something here That's way bigger than both of us. Okay, we still need your help.
If you're listening to this, if you're watching this and I hope you are and you should be, because Summer anthem of the summer is played in here And if you're just catching it, go watch the replay. It's worth it, i'm telling you. But think about where you can show up, think about where you can start to build your community. It might be at the neurodiversity media network. It might be in a not, it might be in the catalyst, it might be somewhere else in the world, but dare to be a part of something that is bigger than you are. Dare to put the buck in to help somebody else. Have the ease, okay, the more you practice that and the more you practice getting it for yourself. This is how we build really strong, healthy communities. We are not always going to thrive, okay, but we can survive when we have people there helping us. So if you're listening to this and you're like I, do want to be a part of something else, briar's neurodiversity media network is a great place to do that, and it is something that this whole unlearning how to ask for help and receive help is Happening in real time with these podcasts. You want to go see a living, breathing example.
Briar is basically extending help. Briar is also receiving help. Just helping this. Get out here. We're currently working on. Yesterday. You, you can't I. I gave you a little light bulb of how you can help Spread the word of the neurodiversity media network even more. Right, we're doing that. It's a give and take and you can be a part of that too. So if you're feeling that call. You're like you're listening to this. You're like, oh my god. Yeah, marisa Briar, come to us. We'll help you get set up. We'll help you start getting your message out in the world. That is getting help, that's receiving help. We know how to package it up. We absolutely know how to help you spread that market it, get it out into the world. You don't have to do it all by yourself.
0:54:20 - Briar
You can, you can but you don't have to.
0:54:25 - Marissa
We'll get your bowl of sauerkraut and stay home on Friday night. But what I'm telling you is that there are groups of people out there And if it's not us, we know other people too that we can help match you up too, so that you can get that help, so that you can receive it. So practice the good boundaries, practice the you know the communication styles, practice creating Contracts with your friends and family. It sounds super formal, but it's actually lovely to hear what people need from a friendship or a romance. Okay, i'm being open to it and then being being like, oh man, i can't meet that, and being okay with it.
Right, maybe it's you can't meet it right now. Maybe you could. You know, maybe you just need to take a break. Maybe you need to work on yourself. Maybe you don't want to, maybe it's not anything you really want, but knowing that is going to help you build really strong Relationships and you can be in community with people that you can't help as well. The idea is that we have a community so that the burden isn't all on one person to make sure that that person survives. We have a group of people. So that's my Hardening message.
I will only add to that that most frequently in my experience, the people who feel Least equipped to offer help are often the people doing the most, helping the most yeah, and the reason why they can't feel they can't be equipped is because they're already doing all the things and they're tired And they're not being recognized for the work that they're doing. Right, this is why we had such a rise Over the last decade where we're like, yeah, moms that are at home and doing all this work and all it, like the reaction, start recognizing it. We have start legitimizing it. We have to start realizing that the, the caregivers of our society, have like more or as much value as the people who are going to a job every day. Okay, the value of making money doesn't define us.
And This is hard too, because we we as business owners often are friends with other business owners because we feel like those people like get us. So it's not always the best relationships either to build really close friendships with because you feel like you have to help them, their business succeed all the time, or they have to feel like they have to help you all the time and they can get exhausting. Sometimes it's nice just to go out with somebody bowling and not have to talk about business as well. So, again, that's sharing that experience with people and not making sure that, like, all of it is just on one person, so it goes with your partners, goes with your kids, all that kind of stuff. We need to start sharing the caregiving, sharegiving, if you will.
0:57:02 - Briar
Oh, I like it. Let's coin that one.
0:57:05 - Marissa
I'll go by the domain. Don't tell people.
0:57:07 - Briar
Do Y'all? This has been I mean, i have cats, but also this has been absolutely amazing and We have one more episode in this series and then we have placards. You're right, i'm, it's not businessy, i think. I think beaver heard you.
0:57:36 - Marissa
Oh, no I.
0:57:42 - Briar
Can't briar, can't be the snitch here, because Marisa was already the snitch.
0:57:49 - Marissa
I Snitched on myself all this time, all the time. I think, but did beaver? here I have cats. That's what I really need to know.
0:58:02 - Briar
No, I don't, i don't.
0:58:04 - Marissa
I think we'll play it on the way out just one last time.
0:58:09 - Briar
Again hit of the summer, y'all. I have cats, but we need a better band name, and I really, marisa. I can't emphasize how much This show in particular has taught me, how much we have, i think, grown together in this time, and what Amazing things are going to happen after this. The sky is the limit, y'all, and I would love to offer that to you as well.
The neurodiversity media network is now Placing shows in August, so if you are interested in Having your own podcast, we help you figure out what the topic is, we make you look good and Then we provide you with a bunch of physical assets afterwards so that you can go out and create Content and be in all of the places without having to physically be in all of the places. And I think that's a huge part of how we Get ourselves out in the world is by being visible in as many places as possible, and sometimes that's scary and Sometimes it's hard to create. So that's what we're here to help you do. We're here to help you create something that you are proud of, that you can take forth into the world and Contribute to your legacy. That's what we're building here.
0:59:54 - Marissa
Yeah, let me hit it, Yeah, hit it. I have cats. I. Think what is happening. The summer hit of the summer, that's what's happening. It's the jam I Love you.
1:00:52 - Briar
That is all I have for today. Thank you all so much for being here. Marisa, thank you Well, we'll see you later. I guess with the summer, hit of the summer, i have cats.
Transcribed by https://podium.page
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